Viva Pinata Pairing Challenge
by Epic Laughter
Summary: People give me unusual requests for Viva Pinata pairings and I take a crack at them with short stories! Laugh and cry with me as I spiral into insanity. The rules are explained in my author's note. Enjoy! Rated M for the occasional oneshot that contains mature/scary content.
1. Author's Note

**Author's Note**

Hello, everyone! This is where I'll be dumping all of my work for my self-imposed Viva Piñata Crack Pairing Challenge!

What is that, you may ask?

Basically I have people give me crack pairings for Viva Piñata, and I try to make them work in 1000 words or less! Not gonna lie, I just might go over the limit sometimes, but who cares? More for you to read, yes?

I'm NOT going to take most of these seriously at all. They'll all probably be doodly and unrevised, but I'll make sure they're fun. I'll work on them when I want to write, but not feeling up to working on my big ol' fancy fics.

If you have any pairings you'd like to see, let me know along with your review! I don't care how far-fetched and WEIRD they are, I'll take a crack at them! Both het and same-sex are TOTALLY okay, but I won't do incest! 

Oh, and you might occasionally run into a story that includes one of my OCs, my beta reader's OC, or a genderbended character. If you want to read those, a quick visit to my profile will explain about the OCs and a read of Pester's Portal will take care of the genderbend issue. But if you want to pick around those, be my guest! I'll label each chapter with the pairing within!

Enjoy, and please review if you can? It would make my slow descent into insanity more bearable!


	2. Seedos and Petula

**Seedos and Petula**

What was _he_ doing here?

Petula was sorely tempted to jump under the counter, curl up into a fetal position, and not come up for a very long time. Seedos _never_ came into her shop! Petula knew very well he was broke as broke could be, so he wouldn't be buying accessories for those gross Shellybeans of his. What the hell did he _want?_

Seedos' oversized eyes flicked around the shop for a moment as he took in everything. Seedos had never been inside Paper Pets before. He seemed unaffected by all of the glitzy accessories and his eyes eventually settled on Petula, who bristled. A shy smile spread across his mask's gigantic mouth and he began ambling over to her. Petula noticed that he was holding his hands behind his back.

Oh dear God, what the hell did he _have?_

Petula found herself taking a defensive step back. Seedos' mask wasn't appealing in the slightest; even when he wore a smile, that goddamned mask made him look insane, and he had a reputation of being more than a little odd. Petula always figured him to be a guy who would chop up unsuspecting travelers who wandered too close to his swamp at night and string their visceral corpses up in his shed.

Seedos finally made it to the counter and he made brief eye contact with Petula before he looked away, his face burning under his mask.

"What do you want, Seedos?" Petula tried to sound as unaffected as possible, even if she couldn't shake the idea that Seedos might be holding a machete behind his back.

"Hi, um, Petula!" Seedos cleared his throat and rocked back and forth a bit. "I came here because I, er, wanted to give you something…"

The Kittyfloss nose on Petula's mask wrinkled. There was only one thing that Seedos ever gave people, and that was seeds. She had no use for _anything_ that sat around in the dirt all day and had been in possession of a guy who lived in a _swamp_, eugh!

_"What_ is it?" Petula leaned her elbows onto the counter and rested a paw on her forehead.

"It's…um…well, it's this!" Seedos took his arms from behind his back and practically shoved a flower at Petula.

Petula couldn't help gasping. It was an _enormous_ rose, like none she'd ever seen! It was light pink and patterned with pastel yellow, and Seedos had snipped all of the thorns off of its stem.

"I grew it myself! It reminded me of you…" Seedos chuckled nervously, his face so hot that he was sure his glasses were beginning to fog up. "Because it's pretty…and you are also…well, uh, it matches your mask and clothes and stuff…" Wow, _smooth. _Seedos mentally kicked himself. What was it about this girl that made his IQ drop down to 20?

WOW. If Petula dried that flower right, she could fashion it into a gorgeous pin to add to her mask and-

What was she _thinking?_ This was Seedos! He was gross, he was a giant nerd, it wouldn't do her reputation any good if she took a gift from him!

But it really _was_ beautiful…she'd be a moron to reject a present like this!

"Wow…Seedos…I don't know what to say!" Petula really was at a loss for words.

"'Thank you!'" Seedos squeaked and Petula raised a brow at him. "Um, 'thank you' would be enough."

Petula couldn't help smiling as she took the rose from Seedos. What felt like a small bolt of electricity shot up Seedos' arm when their hands touched for a brief moment. He rapidly withdrew his hand, his face blazing.

"Thanks, Seedos," Petula stroked the rose's petals. "It's, like, really sweet of you to think of me. I didn't expect this at all!"

"Oh, uh, no problem, Petula!" Seedos was already making a Buzzlegumline to the door. "Take good care of it!"

"I will!" Petula waved goodbye to him and smiled down at the flower.

No one had to know where she got it…

When Seedos got outside he leapt in the air and pumped a fist upward as if he were attempting to punch the sky. "She touched my hand! SCORE!" He cackled with joy as he practically skipped down the road.


	3. Dastardos and Patch

**Patch and Dastardos**

"Hello?" a pleasant Irish accent lilted.

"LEAFOS!" Patch practically screamed into his Alert System. "I NEED MEDICINE!" He was hyperventilating and foaming at the mouth, his eyes darting around frantically like a confused and frightened Squazzil. He paced back and forth at such a rapid speed that his feet actually started to wear away the grass.

"What, what, Patch, slow down! Breathe!" Leafos did her best to soothe him. Patch responded with an odd noise that sounded like a mix between a pathetic whimper and a furious roar. "What's going on?"

"I. Ran. Out. Of. MEDICINE!" Patch squealed and his words began to rapidly gush out of his mouth like verbal vomit. "One of Leena's piñatas got sick before she went into town and she called me and now I'm sitting here with this sick Pretztail and I _ran out of medicine_ and I have no medicine and I need you to get me medicine I have a cabinet marked 'Medicine' in my clinic that is always unlocked get me the pink bottle with the sun on it NOW!"

Leafos couldn't help gasping. Patch was always an anxious fellow, but she could tell he was in full on panic mode when he was too nervous to stutter. She had an unpleasant image in her mind of him lying on the fetal position in the grass, convulsing around like a mental patient as he talked to her.

"Yes, Patch, I'll do that, I'll do it right away!" Leafos nodded vigorously despite the fact Patch couldn't see her. "Sit tight! If Dastardos comes, distract him!"

"HOW?" Patch yelled into the receiver, but Leafos had already hung up.

"Hey, Patch!" A mockingly friendly voice greeted.

Right on cue, as always. Doc Patch glared at Dastardos and made a noise like a Moozipan giving birth.

"Well, that's one strange greeting," Dastardos chuckled. "You forget to take your meds today, Doc?"

"You are _not_ taking this Pretztail!" Patch stomped a foot down in the grass. His lack of shoes didn't yield an intimidating noise, however. "You already beat me to t-ten patients this month, and I am _not_ letting you b-b-beat me again!"

"Too bad, Patchingo," Dastardos sneered. "It would take one hell of a roadblock to stop me!"

An idea popped into Patch's head at that moment.

An idea so far-fetched, so crazy, so wonderfully nutters that it would _surely_ save the life of that poor Pretztail!

Patch gave Dastardos a toothy smirk that was on par with one of Professor Pester's evil grins and made a break towards the reaper.

"What are you doing, weirdo? You can't hurt me," Dastardos stopped floating and turned transparent as he braced for impact. He expected Patch to attempt to tackle him and shoot right through him, but Patch skidded to a stop right when he was a few inches away from Dastardos.

"What," Dastardos completely let his guard down and turned solid again. "What the _hell_ are you doing?"

"Something crazy!" Patch said with sheer determination. In one quick swoop, he lifted up Dastardos' mask and crashed his mouth against his.

Dastardos was so damn stunned that he actually dropped The Whacking Stick.

"Oh my _GOD!"_ Leafos fumbled with the medicine as she burst into the garden. "Patch, what are you _DOING?"_

Patch broke apart from Dastardos as if the latter had suddenly burst into flames. "Y-y-you said to d-d-distract him, and the only thing I could think of was…well…that!" Patch's face blazed bright red.

Dastardos looked broken. He just stood there, his mouth open and eyes bulging, with his gaunt face exposed for the entire world to see.

"Wait a moment…" Leafos looked over at Dastardos and her shock increased tenfold as recognition crossed her face. "_STARDOS?"_

That little comment woke Dastardos up and he slowly picked up his discarded Whacking Stick.

All mourned Leafos and Doctor Patchingo's untimely deaths.


	4. Sparcticus and Fannie

**Sparcticus and Fannie**

There weren't any post offices in the Piñarctic.

Sparcticus had no idea why. Maybe too many postmen died from overexposure to the elements or whatever they were delivering froze so much that they could never be opened again. Either way, this meant that he had to go into the main Village on the rare occasion where he had to send a letter.

It was a birthday card with a small bit of money for Arfur Stout. His birthday was coming up shortly, and Sparcticus didn't really know Arfur well enough to join him for any kind of celebration. He did enjoy the conversations they had at the pub, though, so he figured he'd at least send him a little something.

The downside was he had to get by _Her._

_Her_ being the town's one and only postal worker.

She was…quite a sight, for lack of a better word. Skinny as a beanpole with elbows that could take out an eye, sharp nails, and the freakiest mask Sparcticus had ever seen. It was an enormous mailbox that she absolutely _covered_ with makeup. The lid of the mailbox opened and closed when she spoke and Sparcticus couldn't even see the outline of a face through it. Not to mention the eyes of her mask were on either side of her head, which made her look like some kind of rare breed of mailbox-fish.

Oh, and for some strange reason, she had a _major_ thing for Sparcticus.

Sparcticus wasn't good with women, god forbid one _this_ pushy and odd-looking would have an interest in him. Sparcticus was convinced some kind of almighty force was putting him into insane situations daily and laughing at him.

He decided to suck it up. He was a grown man; he could handle a little flirting. He took a deep breath, twisted the doorknob of the Post Office, and strolled inside.

Damn it, he was the only customer.

Fannie was sitting at the counter with her sandaled feet up, reading _Buttercup Hair Flowers Monthly._ When Sparcticus quietly greeted "Um…hello?" she squealed at a pitch loud enough to slash tires, threw the magazine in the air, and leapt right off of her stool.

"Hiiii~!" she chirped, her palms on the counter and one leg up behind her like a flamingo. "What brings you here, hot stuff?"

'Hot stuff…' Sparcticus couldn't help raising a brow. Not exactly the kind of thing you expect to be called when you grew up in a frigid region. "Um…I have this letter…" He held it up and Fannie vaulted the counter. She ran up to him and snatched it from him.

"Oooh, is it for your special someone?" Fannie giggled. "They're very lucky!"

"No," Sparcticus shook his head. "It's a birthday present for Arfur, and he is _not _my special someone!" He chuckled at his own comment. "I don't even have a special someone…"

"Oh…!" Fannie's blue eyes sparkled. "So the rumors about Sahari and you aren't true, then?"

"No-wait, there are rumors?" Sparcticus wrung his hands nervously. Was his interest in Sahari _that_ obvious?

Fannie didn't answer him. Instead, she meandered over to the door and locked it.

"Would you _like_ a special someone?" she purred as she turned back to Sparcticus, her eyes narrowed in what she probably thought was a seductive manner. Sparcticus thought she looked like she was preparing to sneeze.

"No, um, I'm good…" Sparcticus backed up until his thighs hit the counter.

"Don't fight it, Sparcticus! I've wanted you since I first laid eyes on you!" Much to Sparcticus abject horror, Fannie ripped her shirt right off and leapt on him like a Tigermisu onto prey, pinning him to the counter.

"I-I-I…" Sparcticus' voice skipped like a broken record as Fannie pulled his scarf off. "Stop, please…!"

"No…!" Fannie rested her mouth-lid against Sparcticus' exposed neck and bit it. Hard.

Sparcticus screamed, both out of pain and sheer terror, and bucked Fannie right off of his body. She landed on her butt on the floor and slid backwards, her eyes wide with shock.

Sparcticus saw only one method of escape. He ran right to the window and jumped through it, not even bothering to open it. He squeezed his eyes shut as the glass shattered around him. Luckily he only got a few cuts on his hands and didn't cut his exposed jugular vein because I said so.

He landed on his knees rather ungracefully and narrowly missed hitting his head onto the neighboring building. Ignoring the burning sensation in his knees, he rose to his feet and took off back towards his home.

Sparcticus never thought he'd ever have to ice a hickey that he got from a mailbox, but, like he thought earlier, fate always found new ways to pull tricks on him…


	5. Jeffe and Petula

**Petula and Jeffe**

Why-and _when_- did Petula agree to this?

She had no clue how she got here. She was floating on a star-lit lake in a little rowboat wearing a stunning sparkling midnight blue and green gown with a matching parasol resting next to her. Sure, it was peaceful and all, but her head was throbbing, even more so after seeing who was sitting across from her.

It was Jeffe, the little man-turned-piñata, in all his purple-hatted glory. He was somehow rowing a boat with an oar five times as big as he was and singing opera in horribly off-key Italian…was it Italian? It sounded to Petula like Jeffe was just making this up as he went.

"Um, like, where the hell _am_ I?" Petula grabbed onto the parasol's handle and squeezed it hard as if that would alleviate the throbbing pain in her head.

Jeffe's singing stopped abruptly and he whirled around to face her, nearly losing his oar in the process. "Good, you're awake! I'm so glad!"

"Awake? What the hell did you_ do?" _Petula exclaimed and tore at her hair.

"Remember when I asked you on a date last week?" Jeffe struggled to rest the oar on the bottom of the rowboat. "And you said 'Yeah, right, Paper Boy, only if you, like, drugged my drink and took me to a place where it was just the two of us!'?"

"…" Petula's jaw dropped and Jeffe continued speaking.

"I did just that! I even took the liberty of buying you that _beautiful_ gown!" Jeffe sighed. "It took like three hours to get onto your unconscious body, but don't worry, I didn't touch your breasts too much!" He grinned an "innocent" gap-toothed grin at her.

"Take me home," Petula hissed through clenched teeth. _"NOW."_

"But _Petulaaaa!"_ Jeffe whined like a toddler who desperately needed to go to the restroom. "Give me a chance! You're the most beautiful girl I _ever_ saw and I want to treat you right!"

"Well…the dress is, like, a little nice…" Petula looked down at her gown and fiddled with the silky skirts. It was actually _very_ nice.

"GREAT, so glad you think so! It cost a good portion of my life's savings!" Jeffe gushed. "It was worth it, though. Looking at you makes me forget how much my life sucks, so please let me try to woo you?"

Before Petula could protest, Jeffe waddled over to her and sat right down on her knees.

"I wrote you a poem and everything, listen! It's full of my innermost, uncensored feelings!" Jeffe waggled his eyebrows at Petula before he pulled a folded up piece of paper from within his shirt collar, opened it up, and began to read.

"_Oh, Petula, your name is like a flower_

_You're prettier than a thousand flowers_

_I want to give you flowers_

_And skip through the flowers_

_With you, my wonderful flower_

_Your eyes sparkle like bright green flowers_

_Heavy with dew in a bed of flowers_

_If I had genitalia, you are the one I would deflower_

_We would make love on a bed of flow-"_

"Hold UP!" Petula covered Jeffe's mouth. "What's all this about you not having genitalia?"

"I-I-I thought you knew!" Jeffe's glassy eyes filled with tears. "I was hoping we could have a pure relationship, me drowning you in affection to make you forget that I'm reduced to this lowly paper body…"

"I have, like, _womanly needs!"_ Petula rose to her feet, the boat rocking beneath her. She leaned down and picked up Jeffe. "And if you can't satisfy those, I have no use for you, even if you do, like, have money!"

"Actually, I'm broke after I bought you that dress…" Jeffe squeaked.

Petula shrieked in exasperation, wound up, and pitched Jeffe right into the lake.

Jeffe screamed as he flew through the air: "I LOVE YOOOOOOOOOOOOU!" _*SPLASH!*_

Petula grabbed the oar and began to rapidly row back to shore. Oh well; at least she got a free gown out of this!


	6. Yoto and Eddie

**Yoto and Eddie**

"Wine? He bought you _wine_ for your birthday?" Eddie looked at Yoto incredulously, his mouth open so wide that he could easily fit several small piñatas into it comfortably.

Yoto and Eddie were seated on cushions on the floor in Eddie's exceptionally purple bedroom, a small table between them. Eddie's room was exquisitely extravagant-looking; with an enormous canopied king size bed and gorgeous works of art all over the walls, but Yoto didn't give a shit about any of that stuff. He only gave a shit about the enormous bottle of wine that sat in the middle of the table.

"Hey, I just turned twenty!" Yoto smirked. "Uncle Bart said I needed an early start so I could drink like a _real man!"_

"This is…wine, Yoto," Eddie chuckled. "Wine's for more…high class sorts."

"Alcohol is alcohol, Eds!" Yoto bounced with excitement. "Fetch us glasses!"

"Waitwait, _why_ do you want _me_ to drink with you? I'm even younger than you!" Eddie squinted at Yoto accusingly. "And Father wouldn't be too pleased if he knew I partook in alcohol, no matter how 'classy' it may be!"

"Like you said, this is a classy drink! Figured you'd be able to handle it!" Yoto grinned at Eddie. "Plus…uh…no one else wanted to be my drinking buddy. And isn't your dad on a trip to fu-er, I mean, _see_ your mom?"

Eddie huffed. "Never thought I'd say this to you, Yoto, but you make some good points…" He rose to his feet and began to leave the room. "I'll be back in a moment."

Both Eddie and Yoto had underestimated the power of the drink and completely emptied the whole bottle.

They were now lying on their backs side-by-side on a pile of pillows, telling slurred stories and laughing at even the stupidest of each other's jokes.

"Hey, -hic-, Yoto, wanna hear a secret?" Eddie rolled his head towards Yoto's and looked at him with unfocused eyes.

"Sure, hehehe…" Yoto had begun to punctuate his sentence with bubbly little giggles.

"You know how…how tons of girls like me and stuff…?" Eddie rested a hand on his stomach. "Well…I've…I never gotten kissed, y'know."

Yoto burst into hiccupy laughter. "I never got kissed either, hehehe, but it's slow…_so_ funny that you didn't either!" Yoto laughed again.

Eddie waited a few moments for Yoto's laughter to die down before saying: "Well, do you think…we could maybe…try it?" Eddie's cheeks flushed and he gave Yoto a small, honest smile. "Just to see what it's…like?"

Yoto, his brain too muddied with alcohol to care, smiled back at Eddie. "Y'know, why not? I won't tell if you won't tell!" He sat up and Eddie did the same. They stared at each other for a moment before Eddie lifted Yoto's mask onto his forehead. Without even stopping to look at his face, Eddie threw his arms around Yoto and kissed him deeply.

It might have been the wine thinking, but Eddie found himself enjoying this much more than he thought. They kissed for much,_ much_ longer than one would expect for a "practice session."

After a while, Eddie felt Yoto grow limp in his arms. He had passed out mid-smooch. Of course.

Eddie sighed and gently laid Yoto back down on the cushions. Even with his brain muddied with alcohol, he hoped with all his heart that Yoto wouldn't remember this.

Eddie didn't want to forget it, though. As irritating as Yoto was with all of his teasing and his inattentiveness to his personal hygiene, Eddie always felt _something_ smoldering between them. It felt…oddly liberating to act on it, even if he was sure they'd never speak of it again.

Eddie looked over at Yoto sleeping, his unmasked face flushed red.

_Like a crazy, drunken angel,_ Eddie thought with a small giggle as he curled up next to Yoto. It wasn't long before the alcohol shut his body off as well.


	7. Langston and Jeffe

**Langston and Jeffe (Written by my lovely beta reader, Lizzie!)**

One miserable day, Langston was sorting through Piñata records in his little office that was completely covered in empty disposable coffee cups. He had pulled an all-nighter in the desperate attempt that he would somehow find this one teeny-tiny order that he had misplaced. It wasn't _really_ a teeny tiny order, though. It _would_ be if you considered King Richard the Roario, worth a paltry 47, 000, 000 CC.

Somehow, King Richard had been lost. Langston had a perfect record of never losing piñata, so of course the one time he had to go and lose one of the most expensive piñata on the whole island!

Langston once more scrolled down the page of orders he sent out on Tuesday, but somehow King Richard just wasn't on the list. No matter how many times he scrubbed that list, the one name he needed just never popped up!

Langston was on the verge of panicking when there was a tiny knock on the door. Langston didn't look up from his work, so he didn't throw out who was toddling across the rug shaped like Langston's face.

"Another all-nighter, huh buddy?" Said Langston's least-favourite voice. It was low-pitched and sounded like it was being squeezed out of a tube of year-old toothpaste.

Langston stiffened and his little wheeley stool slowly turned so that he faced his nemesis.

There was Jeffe, blinking his glassy eyeballs at Langston. His paper was an exceptional shade of almost grey, and his little sombrero was tilted back at a rakish angle.

"Yes, if you must know," Sniffed Langston as he tipped back the last bit of cold coffee.

"Let me guess," Jeffe did his best to cross his arms and look smug, "One of the most valuable piñata on the island just up and disappeared?"

Langston choked on his coffee and spluttered for a few moments. "How did you know?" He blinked.

Jeffe's smug look became absolutely shit-eating.

_"Come on Jeffe, tell me!"_ Langston whined as he jumped up on down on his stool.

"Oh, it's easy, bud," Said Jeffe as he toddled over and leaned over Langston. "Hmmmm…." He leaned closer to the glowing screen.

Langston recoiled a little when the smell of dusty things overwhelmed him.

"Hmmm, yep, I had this problem too," Jeffe croaked, "Way back when I got to wear the silly spinny hat."

"No guilt trip right now, Jeffe," Langston said, one of his eyeballs twitching. _"I needed this to be solved yesterday."_

"Oh, heheheh, I can fix this, Langston," Said Jeffe as he sat down onto the stool. However, Langston was between Jeffe's posterior and the stool.

"Hey!" Squeaked Langston.

"Just need to push some of these buttons," Jeffe said, smushing Langston even more.

"Jeffe, get off of me!" Squeaked Langston.

"Hold on, Mr. Lickatoad," Said Jeffe as he continued pressing more buttons. "I am just saving your ass."

_"And yours is squishing me!"_ Langston screamed!

"And here we are!" Said Jeffe with a chuckle as he slipped off the furious Lickatoad. He gestured at the screen with a flourish.

There was King Richard, stuck in the waiting list to the Netherlands.

"I had that exact same problem," Jeffe leaned in closer to Langston. His breath stank of celery and tomatoes. "Good thing I was around to help."

Jeffe leaned closer and slowly pressed his dusty lips to Langton's. Langston jumped back at first, but somehow he enjoyed this? He had never kissed a piñata outside of his species, let alone a male of any species.

Jeffe eventually broke away and leaned back with a triumphant smirk.

"Um, wow, Jeffe," Started Langston, but Jeffe pressed a hand to Langston's lips. Langson's eyes almost rolled back.

"Sssshhh," Whispered Jeffe as he leaned in, "You know why I just did that?"

"Mmph-" Said Langston.

"That is on tape," Said Jeffe, knowing full well that his old office was just littered with security cameras to make sure he worked the entire time he was paid for. "And if I know the Big Boss well, he won't be too pleased with you smooching on the job. The job that took you 23 hours to try and solve this. _The job that took me 2 minutes_. The job that I rightfully should hold."

The only sounds in this room were the beeping of computers and the squeaking of Langston's propeller on his hat.

"Also I might have a teeny little crush on that hot Lickatoad body," Said Jeffe with a wink.

Langston's "GREAT!" was so loud that it pierced the heavens.


	8. Leafos and Patch

**Leafos and Patch**

"Leafos, I-I…" Patch spluttered as he looked at the girl in front of him, his face beet red.

"What?" Leafos folded her arms and stuck out her lower lip at him. "You said you wished you had an assistant, and I'm well-versed in the care of piñatas, you know! I'd be more than happy to help you!"

"Are you one hundred percent sure?" Patch pouted right back at her and wrung his hands. "I-I wouldn't want to inconvenience you…" That was a lie. Well, partially. Patch never fancied himself to be smooth with the fairer sex, so the idea of spending _hours_ with a girl-especially a pretty one like Leafos!- by his side wasn't too appealing. Oh, he'd surely make a fool of himself or get distracted or-

"Don't worry, Patch!" Leafos smiled warmly at him. "I know how stressed out you get, and I'd be happy to see some of that tension relieved!" She placed a hand on Patch's arm affectionately and he couldn't stop himself from bristling.

Leafos had absolutely no idea that her good intentions were having quite the opposite effect…

_VPVPVPVPVPVPVPVPVP_

Well, it wasn't _too_ bad. Apart from Langston coming into the clinic twelve times with various fictional ailments just to see Leafos, nothing too extraordinary happened. Patch managed not to mess up in front of Leafos or say anything stupid! He mentally patted himself on the back as the two of them headed down the Village path to the garden of a newer gardener. The poor kid had a sick Pretztail, and he had vacated the garden after he called Patch because he was worried about meeting Dastardos mask-to-mask.

"I sure hope he pays you later…" Leafos furrowed her brow at Patch and stuck a gloved finger into her mouth. "You really don't seem like one for extortion."

"N-no, I'm sure he'll make good on his word! What's important is the p-piñata gets healed!" Patch sounded prideful and he swung his medical bag around gleefully. "D-don't think Dastardos will show up either. We're right on time!"

"You really have a passion for what you do, huh?" Leafos smiled up at Patch. "You're really sweet."

Patch burst into a gibbering, blushing mess and kept his eyes at the garden that was coming up in front of them.

Shortly after they arrived, they both kneeled down next to the Pretztail, Patch's doctor bag between them.

"I'll need some medicine…" Patch mumbled to himself and reached for the bag.

"No, Doctor, it's fine, I'll get…" Leafos reached for the medicine at the same time and their gloved hands touched for two whole, warm seconds.

Doc Patch and Leafos raised their eyes to look at each other, Patch's face bright red and sweat trickling down his brow. Man, it got really hot out all of a sudden…!

"L-Leafos, I…" Patch blushed an even deeper red. "I didn't mean to touch your hand! It was an accident, I'm not t-trying to-"

Leafos silenced him by placing a gloved finger on his lips and smiling. "All this over a hand-touch? You're terribly cute, you know that?"

Something in Patch's brain broke. His eyes rolled back in his head and he fainted dead away onto the grass.

"Patch…! Patch, are you all right?" Leafos ran to his side and shook him gently. She was so absorbed in her attempt to revive him that she didn't snap out of it until she heard a loud _CRACK!_

"Hope I wasn't interrupting anything!" Dastardos sneered with a snicker at her as he flipped the fallen Pretztail's Life Sweet in the air and caught it. "By the way, you have_ awful_ taste in men." He burst into laughter as he floated back towards his tree.

Leafos sighed and slumped down next to Patch. He wouldn't be too happy when he woke up…


	9. Sahari and Arfur

**Sahari and Arfur**

Sahari was feeling _awful._

She never thought that she, of all people, would be torn between two men, but here she was!

Rather than fret about her decision, she figured she'd just drink away her problems at Arfur's Inn. She was in the middle of downing her third tequila when the bartender, Arfur Stout, ambled over to her.

"Something on your mind, Miss Acosta?" It was hard to read his expression with that enormous barrel mask of his, but Sahari could plainly hear the immense amount of concern in his voice.

Sahari always seemed to come here when she was upset. Arfur was great with people and never failed to make her feel at least slightly better…or maybe it was the drinks he made that lifted her spirits. Probably a combination of the two.

"Not something, some_one…"_ Sahari flopped down and rested her chin on the counter. "TWO someones, actually." She lifted her eyes to meet Arfur's exceptionally tiny ones.

"Love trouble? You?" Arfur's eyes became slightly less tiny. "You always seemed like the kind of girl who would know what she wants and go for it!"

"That's the thing; I like _two_ guys!" Sahari slammed a fist on the bar and pushed herself back up, swaying a little as she did so. "Sparcticus and Eddie. How on Earth could I choose between them? They've both been so nice to me…"

"Is kindness all you want in a man? That's very respectable," Arfur began absent-mindedly polishing a glass. "Especially since Eddie's family is one of the richest on the Island!"

"Not just kindness!" Sahari shook her head so rapidly that she nearly fell off of her barstool. "I want a guy who's strong-minded, fun to talk to, with a great sense of humor, who's good at what he does and would always be there for me…" Sahari rested her elbows on the bar and rested her cheeks against her hands. "Both of them fit that description just fine, don't you think?"

Arfur cleared his throat. "Miss Acosta, excuse me if this sounds intrusive…but I fit that description quite well myself."

Sahari's jaw dropped. Why hadn't she _thought_ of that before? Arfur was always there to lend a helping hand when she was upset, he'd listen to her rant angrily about whatever was on her mind, he had seen her get horribly drunk, and he had seen her get into tussles with his Helpers…and yet his opinion of her had never dwindled. She might have just seen Arfur as a bartender whose job it was to listen to people pour out their hearts, but she never figured he'd take an interest in one of his customers…!

"You always stood out to me, Miss Acosta…" Arfur confessed as he placed the empty glass back on the shelf. "Never thought you'd be interested. It's foolish, right? I'm quite older than you, and a beautiful woman like you deserves _much_ better than an old innkeeper." He turned to face her, his glowing eyes narrowed to worried slits. "I'm talking nonsense, I'm sorry. Feel free to leave now…I'm sure you want to."

Sahari said nothing. She just rose from her stool, staggered around to behind the bar, and embraced Arfur, burying her orange mask into his chest.

"Thank you, Arfur…I'm flattered…" Sahari swallowed, her voice muffled by Arfur's shirt. "I'm not so good with emotions, especially when I'm under the influence…but can you do me one favor?"

"Of course, Sahari, anything," Arfur smiled as widely as his mask would allow.

Sahari looked up at him, her eyes pathetic and her mouth quivering. Her voice was heavy when she spoke.

"I'm gonna vomit. Can you get me a garbage can and hold back my hair?"


	10. Vilos and Avalon

**Vilos and Avalon**

_(Let's just say this takes place in an AU where Dass was born a woman._

_If you want these stories to make even the slightest bit of sense, you are in the wrooooong place.)_

"And _why_ do you want to braid my hair?" Vilos snapped, her glowing eyes glaring right at Avalon.

The two of them were seated on her shabby couch, Avalon's eyes fixated on Vilos' silver hair instead of her glaring eyes. Avalon found the reaper's hair exceptionally beautiful. It was constantly in motion, like Vilos was always underwater, and her hair would reach her ankles if it ever stopped floating about.

"Because," Avalon huffed. "It's quite lovely 'air, you know. I bet if yew braided it and disguised yourself with a different outfit and mask and quit all of that floating lark, you could create a new identity and become a respectable member of society." Avalon chuckled. "I don't know if yew noticed, Vi, but you're _beautiful._ Yew would break a lot of 'earts!"

"I won't become a respectable member of society with _these_ things," Vilos stabbed a slender finger at one of her own eyes. "Nor _these."_ She rolled up her sleeves and held up her knife-sharp bony elbows for Avalon to see. "The silver hair would raise a few eyebrows, too, don't you agree?"

"Is it so wrong to want you to 'ave a normal, better life?" Avalon sighed and reached for Vilos' hair again. Vilos didn't protest and slumped in defeat as Avalon began to braid her massive amount of hair. "Yew _murder animals_ for a living. Yew could have a chance to turn all of that around!"

Vilos was quiet for a very, very long time. "My boss would object."

"Forget your boss," Avalon shook her head vigorously. "Yew could just…disappear! Go live in another Village. It would do yew well."

Vilos bit her lip. "But…who would feed Maggie? She's the main reason I do this, you know!"

"I would gladly visit yew two often," Avalon smiled to herself as she took an elastic off of her wrist and wrapped it around the end of Vilos' oversized braid. "I just want yew to be happy."

_"Why?" _Vilos whirled her head towards Avalon, her oversized braid whooshing by her masked face. "What on Earth possessed you to care about me so much? My business is my business!"

Vilos' glare softened the slightest bit when Avalon gently placed a hand on her cheek.

"Let's just say that yew…fascinate me."


	11. Maxime and Sparcticus

**Maxime and Sparcticus**

This was the best idea Maxime had in her whole entire life.

She had been redecorating and rearranging the décor in her garden, and she couldn't exactly move around the larger statues and whatnot by herself.

She wasn't normally one to resort to tactics like this, but after catching wind of the rumor that Sparcticus had an immense attraction to cute things, she formulated a plan. A diabolical plan.

She approached Sparcticus and gave him her best, most heartbreaking baby Barkbark eyes and told him she _really_ needed a big, strong man to help her move things around in her garden! Maxime could actually see the color of his mask change a bit as he blushed profusely. Needless to say, he agreed to Maxime's demands.

Maxime didn't mind stooping to such a dumb, girly low, but watching Sparcticus grunt as he pushed things around her garden was more than satisfying, _especially_ since he wasn't wearing a shirt! She was worried that all of those layers he wore disguised a less than desirable physique, but he was one of the fittest men she had ever laid eyes on. Perfect musculature, amazingly tall, and a generous amount of body hair. Just what she liked to see!

She licked her lips from her perch on the roof of a Limeocerous house as she watched Sparcticus work, occasionally shouting orders to him.

"A little to the left, big guy!"

"AWESOME work!"  
>"Hmm, that might work better on the other side of the garden, don't you think?"<br>Maxime got more than a bit of a kick out of ordering a towering grown man around, especially from the high pedestal that she sat on. Once the sun had begun to set, bathing the Island in hues of red and orange, Maxime finally announced that she was satisfied.

"Mind catching me, Sparcticus? It's a long fall!" Maxime wobbled to her feet on the roof and grinned down at the Piñarctican.

"I don't mind at all!" He outstretched his arms and Maxime promptly flung herself into them.

She placed her hands on her bare chest and looked up at him. "Thank you _so_ much," she purred.

"My pleasure," Sparcticus said as he placed Maxime back on her feet. Maxime furrowed her brow. He wasn't showing the slightest bit of emotion, as usual. Was he as into her as she was into him?

Guess she'd have to resort to the direct method…

"Guess I owe you a payment, then!" She smoothed her skirt and smiled coyly at Sparcticus. "Do you accept payment in the form of sexual favors?"

Sparcticus furrowed his brow and stated that his services were cash only.


	12. Dastardos and Petula

**Dastardos and Petula**

Dastardos usually didn't mind sitting around in his sorry excuse for a home with Magnar, but some days he just had to _get out._ Leaving his tree to kill sick piñatas didn't count as getting out. Dastardos had developed a more…unusual hobby.

He really liked to hide in the trees that lined the Village road and eavesdrop on the conversations that people had beneath them. He liked to stay in the know about how people ticked; he prided himself on his snide comments, and the more he knew about someone, the better he could push their buttons! It absolutely creeped people out, which Dastardos found sickeningly delightful.

Today wasn't too eventful. He was seated in one of the lower branches of the tree; the tree's other branches completely hiding him from sight. He had heard Patch walk by babbling away to someone about how he's started to get rashes on his hips when he gets stressed out, but that was the only thing he heard all day.

While Dastardos was dreading the fact that the most he'd get from this eavesdropping session was something gross about Patch, he heard movement below the tree.

Dastardos is the type of person who can only think of one thing at once, so his thoughts about Patch and his rashes completely derailed and his brain went silent.

Girly giggling filled his ears. _Oh, boy._

Fannie and Petula sat on the bench right below the tree, giggling away at something Petula had said on the way over.

"You are so right, Petula! Pester DOES need to get some looser-fitting pants!" Fannie tittered.

Dastardos raised a brow. He couldn't argue with that.

"And a hobby besides kidnapping people and piñatas!" Petula snickered. "No wonder he's a giant fatass. All that candy can't be good for you."

Fannie burst into an unattractive fit of gigglesnorting, slapping her knees all the while. "Aren't villains supposed to be _sexy?_ They are in all the movies I watch! Pester's not too qualified!"

Petula chuckled. "Next to him, Dastardos looks like a _model."_

Dastardos' forehead creased. Was that a compliment or an insult? Why did he _care?_

"You have a thing for the _reaper?"_ Fannie sounded like she didn't know whether to laugh or smack Petula.

"I _guess_ you could put it that way…" Petula straightened up and looked a bit prideful. "It's, like…how he carries himself. He might look like ass, but we have no clue what his face looks like! There could be potential there or something!" Petula smirked at Fannie. "And, not gonna lie, I dig his scarf."

"He's not rich, though!" Fannie exclaimed. "Didn't you always tell me you always wanted to marry a rich guy?"

"Hey, I am _not_ gonna marry Dastardos!" Petula cracked up at the sheer absurdity of the idea. "He's invincible, though…I'm sure he'd be up for more than a bit of thievery."

Dastardos felt his chest flood with more emotions than he could handle. Amusement, disbelief, confusion, and a bit of anger because she so bluntly stated that he looked like ass.

Dastardos eventually settled on the fact that this was _hilarious,_ and he knew how he could make it better…well, better for him. Worse for Petula.

He swung his legs around the branch and hung down from the tree, grinning at the two girls upside down, his scarf and hair swaying in the light breeze.

"I'm flattered, Petula, but I'm already married to my job!" His grin became much more malicious. Fannie shrieked and ran down the street, her spindly legs flailing around like she was a startled Chocstrich. Petula just looked at him with her mouth agape, completely robbed of words.

"You…you…you ASS!" Petula rose from the bench, her fists clenched. Her outbursts attracted the attention of a few passersby, who promptly looked away when they saw exactly who she was yelling at. She approached Dastardos and attempted to slap him, but her hand went right through his face. She shrieked as she pulled her hand back; she knew he was invulnerable, but she never had the displeasure of feeling it for herself!

Dastardos flipped himself out of the tree and landed a few inches off the ground right in front of Petula. "Don't waste your time," he cooed as he leaned much, much, _much_ too close to her face. He promptly spun around and went on his merry way.

Petula watched him until he disappeared from her sight.

"Wow," she whispered to herself. "He has, like…no butt."


	13. Patch and Petula

**Patch and Petula**

Patch left the back rooms of his clinic to check on his waiting room. He saw Petula slumped in one of the chairs, looking positively pitiful. She raised her green eyes towards him and stuck out her lower lip.

Patch felt the usual pang he felt when a cute girl made a cute face. Even if Petula never seemed to think too highly of him, she was still a girl, and she still had the usual effect females did on the poor doctor.

"Wh-what's wrong?" He stayed in the doorway, peeking out of as if Petula was some kind of fascinating, skittish bird that would fly away if he dared to enter the room.

"I don't feel good at _all,"_ Petula coughed for effect, tears shimmering in her eyes. "Can you help me, Doctor?" Her voice was oddly sweet. Did she…hit her head?

"Y-y-you…!" Patch shook his head and tried to adopt a professional manner. He opened the door the slightest bit wider, straightened his posture, and adjusted his coat. "What seems to be the p-p-problem?" Damn it, almost made it all the way through without stuttering…

_"Everything!"_ Petula mewled dramatically and threw herself on the floor.

"Eep!" Patch squeaked and rushed to Petula's side. He scooped her up, her head lolling backwards and her dark brown hair spilling all over his arm. "I-I'll examine you right away, Petula, hold on…!"

Petula miraculously regained consciousness mere seconds after Patch brought her into one of his examination rooms. He ran through the ropes, checking her temperature, heartbeat, lungs, ears, and everything else he possibly could.

"P-Petula…" Patch looked from his clipboard to Petula's expectant unmasked face and he had to look away straight off. For whatever reason, she didn't come to his clinic often, so he didn't usually get to see her face. She had the face of a princess, not that Patch had ever met one, but if he did she would probably have looked something like this. Heart shaped lips, an adorable turned-up button nose, and long-lashed green eyes. Shame Petula was usually such a…foolish girl. But she wasn't acting like herself today…

"What is it?" she asked, cocking her head to the side.

"Y-you're _fine,"_ Patch furrowed his brow. "I can't find anything wr-wrong with you. It must be in your head…or something that I c-can't diagnose. I-if you want me to r-r-recommend you a city doctor for a second opinion, I-"

"Okay, Patch, you caught me!" Petula held up her hands and sighed morosely. "I came here because I wanted to talk with you."

"A-about what?" Patch placed his clipboard down.

Petula said nothing, instead choosing to lunge forward and press her mouth against the doctor's.

"MMPH!" Patch exclaimed with surprise, his eyes wide as dinner plates beneath his blonde bangs.

Petula drew back and smirked at him. "Does _that_ answer your question?"

"I-I-I-I…" Patch sounded like a broken record, his face had turned bright red and he had begun to sweat bullets. He gave Petula a shaky smile and was about to say something else when his Alert System went off.

"O-oh goodness, sorry!" Patch cursed inside his head and stepped outside the room to take the call.

Petula, ever curious, hopped off of the examination table and walked to the door to listen in.

"Wh-wh-what do you MEAN you want your money back?" Patch shouted into the phone. "I-it wasn't my fault! I lost that p-piñata to Dastardos two _weeks_ ago and you never objected until now!"

There was a short silence as Patch listened to what the person on the line had to say.

"I-I_ can't_ pay you back for the piñata's worth! I b-b-barely have enough money to run my clinic and feed myself as it is!" There was a small _thump!_ sound as Patch hit his head against the wall. "I-I'm _sorry_ that you j-j-just learned that the p-piñata was worth _that much money…_b-b-but it's been two weeks, and there's nothing I can d-do-hello? Hello?"  
>The gardener had hung up on him. Patch had a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach as he slinked back into the examination room.<p>

"P-Petula, I'm s-sorry, but you'll have to leave…" Patch looked and sounded like he wanted to cry. "A g-g-gardener is angry that I lost a piñata that was very valuable…and I fear he's coming to my c-c-c-clinic to extort me…"

Petula didn't know what 'extort' meant. She just looked at Patch like she just caught him making love to a Horstachio.

"I thought doctors were supposed to be _rich,"_ Her words held so much revulsion and anger that they pierced through Patch's heart like arrows. "You're not?"

"I-I'm a _village d-d-doctor…_" Patch actually was tearing up at this point. "Y-you were only interested because you thought I had _money?"_

"YES!" Petula grabbed her mask and shoved by Patch as she left the room. "Consider this relationship _over!"_

Patch sighed morosely as he watched Petula go.

It might have only lasted about ten minutes, but that was the longest relationship he had ever had.


	14. Fannie and Pester

**Fannie and Pester**

_(AN: This one was guest-written by the lovely and talented Tiigerliily! I'm VERY impressed with her work; she took this crazy pairing and somehow made it make sense! And look at all the crazy stuff that __**I**__ wrote…I must be the worst possible person ever to take this challenge!_

_Either way, enjoy this! I certainly did! I made some minor edits, but the writing work was ENTIRELY Tiigerliily's. Pay all compliments to her!)_

Damn. Birthdays in the Post Office really sucked.

It was March 15th and the morning was just drawing to a close. Countless customers had visited to send and pick up their packages, but none of them had even congratulated her! Even Leafos - _LEAFOS_ - had made an order today without wishing her a happy birthday! This was her 18th... Her 18th birthday, and all she'd received so far was an Alert from Petula! Not even her parents had called her or anything! No flowers, no chocolates, nothing!

''This is Valentine's Day in 9th grade all over again!'' the mailbox girl grumbled.

She decided to take another look at the letters. She'd inspected the crates carefully, but she hadn't found anything adressed to her. A plain, simple message would be more than enough for her at this point!

Argh! Nothing! She went through them again. And again and again and again, she kept searching for something with her initials or address on it until she realized it was time for her lunch break.

''This is a day from hell...!'' she whispered as she unpacked her sandwhich. No birthday meal for her. Her boss should've bought her a cake! How could she make her most loyal and decicated and ONLY employee eat soggy slices of bread on such a beautiful, beautiful special day?

Turning 18 was a milestone in one's life! She was a sophisticated ADULT now, not the stupid MINOR she used to be, like, yesterday!

There'd better be a party! She remembered that awful Sparcticus-dating desert rat Sahari turning 18; as soon as she went away to do some grocery shopping in the Village everyone hid in her stupid desert hut to yell 'SURPRISE!' as soon as she came back.

The girl had been 'so surprised' and 'so grateful', oh my Gods...

Fannie gritted her teeth as she threw the last crusts of her tuna sandwich in the waste bin. It was time for her to get back to work.

Packages didn't deliver themselves!

_VPVPVPVPVPVPVPVPVPVPVPVPVP_

''Ruffiiiann! ~'' Pester sang.

A small, muscular girl Ruffian scooted towards her boss.

''Don't you know what SPECIAL DAY it is today?''

Her boss' overly happy behaviour freaked out his little helper. She might not be the sharpest tack in the drawer, but she was clever enough to recognize trouble when it was standing right before her in the form of a middle aged guy in a V-neck and a graduation cap!

''Ehm... Dah?''

''No, it's not Christmas, you fool!''

The Ruffian heaved a relieved sigh. Her boss had fallen back in the agitated behaviour she was used to!

''It's the 15th of March! Doesn't that ring a bell, Ruffian?''

The thing shook her head.

''Today, my faithful Ruffian, is the day that the beautiful miss Fannie Franker will turn 18, which means she won't be a minor anymore!"

Pester did a jaunty little dance around the room, and the Ruffian wished she had a camera, the Island Inquirer would pay her a crazy amount of chocolate coins for a picture of thís scene!

''Grah?''

''What? You don't see the importance of this! Oh, Ruffian 25, you've always been a funny one! This-this-this-this... this means that I can finally ASK the girl OUT without making myself look like a PEDOPHILE! I mean, you've seen miss Franker, haven't you? She's the most beautiful female being on the entire Island...''

When Pester thought of the mailbox girl's long legs in that unbelievably short miniskirt, he began to drool instantly. Now he could think of getting between those legs without being even more of a perv than he already was!

''Anyway, I should get myself together... Ahem.'' Pester cleared his troat. ''I'm proud to announce to you, Ruffian 25, that I've got her the perfect birthday present! She'll be so surprised - and so flattered, that she'll want to date me _instantly!_ VICTORY IS MINE!''

VPVPVPVPVPVPVPVPVPVPVPVP

4 PM. Still no birthday wishes, still no visits that revolved around anything else than packages or letters. The rainstorm that had taken over the bright blue sky had put Fannie in an even gloomier mood.

The door opened. A customer walked in. She couldn't recognize the man, but he sure was strong! He was carrying the heaviest package _ever _with him...

''A customer! How can I help you?'' she said in her most cute and high-pitched voice.

Ahh! That voice, that unbelievably _sexy _voice, that voice he'd fantasized about forever! She _sure _could help him...

''Miss Franker!'' Pester exclaimed as he put down his heavy load. ''I have heard from reliable sources that it's your birthday today... I couldn't resist giving you a present! It's... it's nothing big, it's a pretty modest thingy, but we barely know each other so I couldn't... I didn't want to go overboard with the whole gift thing, so... Here you are.''

Even though things were getting SO weird - Pester walking into her Post Office to bring her a ridiculously huge birthday present - Fannie couldn't help but smile. She was struck by strange feeling of joy and warmth...

''Shall I... Shall I reveal it?''

''Why, yes!'' Fannie had no idea why, but she was blushing heavily underneath her mask!

''Okay... Okay, here we go!''

Pester pulled away the enormous cloth that covered his latest project, the reason why he hadn't gone out to do evil over the last weeks... His ultimate gift to the drop-dead gorgeous miss Franker!

He heard the girl gasp, a sound that filled him with bliss from head to toe!

''That- that's me!''

''It is, my dear miss Franker! But I think it's not even _close_ to the beauty of the original...''

Fannie chuckled. The statue was considerably bigger chested than she was... The legs were longer, the skirt was shorter and the shirt was tighter - the thing was downright erotic, almost inappropriate - but still she felt as if it was the most AWESOME birthday present she'd ever received!

Suddenly, a very silly thought crossed her mind. Pester was a really nice guy despite being a villian, and apparently he adored _her..._

''Professor?'' she called him, 'cause she knew he liked it.

''Yes, beautiful?'' The man had a smirk on his mask others would classify as creepy, but not Fannie!

''Ehm, I was wondering... Would you mind if I... Do you have any plans for tonight?''

''Now that I think about it... I think I've got some plans with _you'' _Pester assumed as he pulled the mailbox girl closer.


	15. Eddie and Pester

**Eddie and Pester**

_(AN: Yet another guest spot, this time from the lovely Suki Takayoshi! This one is absolutely HYSTERICAL, and I'm so happy she did this, especially since I was dreading having to do this one myself! THANK YOU, SUKI._

_Direct all compliments toward her, I had nothing to do with this amazing thing~)_

"Man, after all that hard work to catch those women, and I STILL have no wife!" Pester growled to himself as he paced back and forth. Dastardos rolled his eyes, floating over on the side all bored-like.

"Well, you did get married to someone,"

"But it was that damn Lizard boy! I mean seriously, does he have issues or something?"

"I think he just wanted to save the women from getting into bed with a slob like you," Dastardos said absently, a small smirk on his face. Pester glared over at the piñata reaper.

"You know, you don't have to insult me,"

"Oh, but it's so much _fun,"_ Dastardos said sarcastically, swinging his right arm for emphasis on the word 'fun'. Pester rolled his eyes, going back to his frantic pacing. Dastardos examined his piñata stick.

"I thought you were just going to clone yourself for an heir," he said. Pester groaned.

"I was, but I still need someone to be with me!"

"Why?"

"I have personal needs like everyone else, Dastardos! Sometimes, I just HAVE to let off some steam-"

"Oh God, do NOT finish that sentence," Dastardos said, pretending to gag. Oh, if only he still had his gagging reflexes...

"Oh, don't be a baby," Pester said, tapping a finger to the chin of his bulky mask. He needed something, just SOMETHING, or someONE, that could satisfy his needs.

And he knew just the person.

_VPVPVPVPVPVPVPVPVP_

Eddie winced, sitting down on the expensive couch. After a long lecture, and congratulations from his father, his head hurt, and he needed to rest. He was tired, he was sore from the bruises, and sadly still a bit heartbroken that Maxime only thinks of him as a _friend_. A _friend._ The girl of his dreams, thinks of him as a friend, after all he's done to get her and all the other girls back home safely.

She certainly was difficult.

"If being a hero won't get her to like me, something must! Why must she be so difficult?" Eddie asked himself out loud, slouching a bit in his seat. He looked over at the door lazily as the doorbell rang.

"Coming," He called out sadly, heaving his skinny body off of the couch, wincing a bit since his bruise was still throbbing with pain. He walked over lazily to the door, turning the knob to open it. He screamed when he saw who was standing there at the door.

"Hello, Eddie Lizard! Thank goodness, I got the address right this time," Pester muttered, messing with the black wig in his hands. Eddie screamed again.

"Man, you scream like a little GIRL-"

"What in the WORLD are you doing here?" Eddie exclaimed, trying to keep himself from hyperventilating. Was he here to finish the job? Oh man, he was too young to die so soon-

"I have a proposition for you Eddie Lizard," Pester said, standing straight up. Eddie raised a purple brow.

"Um... I don't understand,"

"Eddie, as you know, all men have needs- needs that we need others to satisfy, like after we have a stressful day for instance-"

"Oh God, please don't finish that sentence!" Eddie said, waving his arms to emphasize that Pester REALLY should stop talking. Pester huffed.

"Ugh, you're just as bad as Dastardos! Anyway, I just wanted to ask," Pester said, holding the wig up, "since you are the closest thing I can get to a woman right now since we ARE married-"

"Oh my God..." Eddie said, starting to get what he was going to ask. Pester smiled.

"Can you, I don't know, put the wig back on and we can start over? We can go slowly if you-" Pester was cut off when the door slammed, and the sounds of various locks being clicked were heard, as well as fading screaming from inside. Pester stood there for another five minutes.

"I guess that's a no then... Dammit! Maybe I can get Dastardos to wear the wig..." Pester muttered, walking away in defeat.


	16. Pester and Dastardos

**Pester and Dastardos**

Pester tried to pretend to be absorbed in what he was doing on the computer, but it was so hard to concentrate with the heavy presence of his only intelligent minion in the room.

Pester kept sneaking peeks at Dastardos, who was floating in place with a hollow look in his eyes. His mind was probably elsewhere, as always. Pester's underling was an absolute enigma that was impossible to crack, and to be honest, Pester had been fascinated with him for the longest time. Dastardos often haunted Pester's thoughts and he had no idea why. Sometimes he wished he could be a better boss to him, it was rare, but it was true. He had never felt even the slightest urge to be kind to _anyone_ before…could it be?

Could he be in _love_ with Dastardos?

Professor Pester mulled over the thought. Dastardos' mysteriousness, his deliciously evil comments, his unnerving smirk…Pester had seen Dastardos' real face, too, and it wasn't half as horrible-looking as his mask was. Pester felt his cold heart twist as he glanced at his underling yet again.

Dastardos noticed this time and cocked a brow at his boss. "What do you _want?"_

"Dastardos…" Pester rose from his chair and approached the reaper. "I… I need to get something off my chest."  
>"I think you need to put something <em>on<em> your chest," Dastardos glanced down at the low neckline of Pester's shirt and made a face.

"God damn it, boy, this is serious!" Pester made a move to grab Dastardos by the shoulders and shake him, but that wouldn't be the best thing to do to someone you were about to make a confession to. Pester sighed and rested his palm on the forehead of his mask. "Dastardos…I…I was thinking…we've been through a lot together, and I…I'm happy you've stuck with me for so long. I think I've fallen in love with you."

Dastardos looked at Pester like a Doenut in headlights and Pester mentally beat himself up. _Damn it, Professor, he's going to KILL you! This was a stupid idea, stupid stupid-!_

Pester was broken out of his fit of self-depreciation by Dastardos' voice.

"I've waited…so, so long for you to say that," Dastardos' glowing eyes filled with tears. He moved forward and placed his hands on67 sfjacksaj HELPSOMDEONEHELP ME

Helo, fools. This is Dastardos. I regert to inform you that this foolish woman will not be writring any more storys for you. She is twitching on the floro in a pool of her own blood right now and I dont think she wil be getting up for quite a wile. Go do something productive. Don't you have better things to do than medle in the love lives of the people on Piñata Island? Geez…

_(AN: Don't worry, even though I'm dead now, I'll still be writing from beyond the grave. DANG IT, DASTARDOS.)_


	17. Dastardos and Gretchen

**Dastardos and Gretchen**

Yoto snickered like a fool as he made his way to Gretchen's shop, a large, capped plastic cup of grapefruit juice in his hand. It seemed entirely innocent, but after he had read a hilarious story on the Internet about someone spiking a drink with romance candy, he just _HAD_ to try it for himself! Gretchen would surely be the first in his series of pranks; seeing her break her stoic nature would be HILARIOUS!

"I hope she's in…!" Yoto giggled to himself as he pushed the door open with his shoulder.

Gretchen_ was_ in, sitting at her desk and flipping through what looked like a piñata encyclopedia. She didn't bother to look up when the door opened, but she did mumble: "State your business."

"Heeeey, Gretchen!" Yoto sloshed the drink in his hand around. "Arfur was having a sale on grapefruit juice, and I heard that it was your favorite, so I got you a great big cup of it because I'm such a nice guy!"  
>Gretchen sighed and narrowed her swirling eyes at Yoto. "Did Bart send you here to butter me up?" She rose from her chair and placed her hands on her ample hips. "He knows <em>very<em> well I'm still mad about the thing with the thong."

"Okay, you don't need to elaborate on that!" Yoto gagged and shook his head around to stave off several mental images about what exactly that "thing" could be. "Can't I just be nice to you? You're a cool lady!" Yoto pouted at Gretchen and she let out an even bigger sigh.

"Okay, I'll take it, but if this has ipecac or something in it I'll be able to smell it," Gretchen strolled over to Yoto and snatched the drink right out of his hands.

"Okay, have fun, enjoy!" Yoto grinned and made a break for it. He wouldn't want to be the first person Gretchen laid eyes on after she drank _that…_

_VPVPVPVPVPVPVPVPVPVPVPVP_

Gretchen had deemed the juice safe and had drunk most of it by nightfall. Surprisingly, no one called her out for a hunting job. It had been an irritatingly quiet day.

"Might as well turn in early…" Gretchen stood up and stretched. "I need to stay alert. First, I should check on the piñ-"

Right when she was in the middle of that thought, Dastardos had floated right through her front door.

"Hey, lady, you got a sick Badgesicle in the back there and I need it," Dastardos slammed the Whacking Stick into his palm, one brow cocked. "Don't protest; it'll be easier for both of us."

Gretchen said nothing, her ever-swirling eyes growing larger with each passing second. She opened her mouth slightly to gasp and barely suppressed the urge to fall over when she felt her knees grow week. Her knees never went weak before…!

Her knees turning to jelly wasn't the only new sensation she was feeling. She had never seen Dastardos so…up close before. His mask had seemed so twisted and hideous from far away, but when he was this close, he looked…so compelling. The impatient sneer on his face, his tousled silver hair, that amazingly long scarf, the _power_ that radiated from such a small body…

Gretchen suddenly realized that he just might be the perfect man.

"Hey, lady?" Dastardos floated right up to her eye level and poked her on the shoulder. "Aren't you going to scream at me and/or call that stuttering little bitch of a 'doctor?'"

"Are you _joking?"_ Gretchen's two hand-scarves reared up and intertwined with Dastardos' scarves, which promptly began to hiss in irritation. "You can have _all_ of the piñatas in the back if you want them!"

"Whoa, WHAT?" Dastardos tried his best to tug his scarf out of Gretchen's grasp to no avail. "Are you crazy?"

"Oh, I'm _perfectly_ sane…" Gretchen purred as she placed her slender hands on Dastardos' shoulders. "I just had the most fantastic realization! I never noticed what a…specimen you are. I can't imagine you ever expected to hear this, but here goes. I think I just might be in love with you!"

"Whoa! WHOA! WHAT?" Dastardos finally pried his scarves from Gretchen's and actually lost his balance. He fell onto the floor ungracefully. That _never_ happened before…

He felt his face heat up beneath his mask and promptly rose from the floor. He flew around and checked every nook in cranny of the shop, Gretchen watching him with a corner of her mouth lifted in amusement.

"Is this a joke? Are there cameras?" His voice was incredulous and he sounded somewhat insulted. "Oh, I get it!" Dastardos flew waaaaaaaay too close to Gretchen's face and glared into her eyes. It didn't have the effect he wanted, however, and Gretchen just got weak at the knees again and smiled at him like a lovesick fool. "You're trying to distract me so _Patchingo_ can get here, huh?" Dastardos floated backwards, his skinny arms folded. "It isn't nice to play with the heart of a reaper, you know."

Gretchen actually _giggled_ for the first time in several years, and she didn't even feel the slightest bit of shame about it! What had gotten into her…oh well, she had never felt so overjoyed and giddy in her whole entire life!

"Of course I'm not joking! Do I seem like the joking type?" Her tone suddenly became serious and Dastardos actually backed up a bit.

"N-no, you don't," Dastardos suddenly took immense interest in fiddling with one of his scarves. "…I still don't believe you. If you love me, _prove it."_

"I'll do ANYTHING!" Gretchen folded her hands and her scarves matched the motion. "Just name it, and I'll do it!"  
>Dastardos smirked and he stroked his chin in thought. <em>"Anything, <em>hmmmm?"

_VPVPVPVPVPVPVPVPVPVPVPVP_

"Where are you taking me, Miss?" Jardiniero groused as Gretchen pushed his wheelchair along. "I need to be at Arfur's in _twenty minutes!_ I have some amazing stories about back in the day to tell all the patrons! I'm the main attraction there on Thursday nights, you know!"

"Ohhh, I bet you are…" Gretchen chuckled to herself. "But this is really _amazing,_ Jardiniero, just as amazing as those stories of yours, I'm sure! A shark piñata, in the _lake!"_

"The lake?" Jardiniero craned his neck to look back at the huntress. "But I thought they only resided in salt water, and even then, very rarely!"

"That's why this is such a special occasion!" Gretchen finally stopped pushing Jardiniero's wheelchair once they arrived at the lakeshore.

The lake was wide and deep all around, with water so clear that you could always see the bottom. It was now well into the night, though, and it was next to impossible to see all of the aquatic piñatas swimming about.

Jardiniero leaned forward and adjusted his glasses. "Where is this piñata, young lady? Were you seeing things?"

"Of course not," Gretchen shook her head. "You just need to look closer."

"How about this?" Jardiniero leaned forward more.

"Closer."  
>"Nope, closer."<p>

"That's it, you're good!" Gretchen cackled and shoved the wheelchair forward, sending Jardiniero flying into the lake.

"WHAAAAAAAAAT?" was the last word Jardiniero ever said.

"WOW!" Dastardos exclaimed with a gasp as he burst from the tree he was hiding in. "You…you actually _did_ it!"

"I said I'd do _anything_ for you, didn't I?" Gretchen whirled to face him, a look of honest affection on her masked face.

"I…I guess you really _do_ love me!" Dastardos was at a total loss for words.

"I don't just _love_ you…" Gretchen approached Dastardos and one of the ends of her scarf took Dastardos' hand. "I want to _marry_ you!"

Dastardos gasped even louder than he had earlier.

_VPVPVPVPVPVPVPVPVPVPVPVP_

The town hall was filled with people spectating the most unexpected wedding of the century, no, in all of Piñata Island history. Gretchen Fetchem had announced her intent to marry Dastardos, and she had actually gone through with it.

Professor Pester was seated in the front row with no one next to him. No one wanted to be so close to the villain, especially since he was sobbing profusely.

"My little boy's all grown uh-huh-hup!" he bawled before blowing his nose onto his tuxedo's sleeve. Leafos, who was unfortunate enough to be seated right behind him, made a face of absolute disgust.

The crowd was talking in hushed whispers, mostly about the couple that was about to be wed. Did Dastardos brainwash her? Did Gretchen go nuts? Both?

Yoto, on the other hand, was explaining to his brother that he was entirely justified in tying Bart up and locking him in the closet.

"He was _foaming_ at the _mouth!"_ Yoto gesticulated hugely and nearly smacked Eddie on the shoulder. "Can you _imagine_ what he would do if he was here?"

"Can you imagine what he'll do to _you_ when you get home and let him out?" Yen narrowed his eyes at his twin.

"Let's…not think about that…" Yoto slouched way down into his seat. Maybe he could leave his uncle in the closet _forever…_

"Shhh!" Eddie glared at Yoto and shushed him. "The crazy people are about to exchange vows!"

The happy couple was standing in front of a judge wearing an oversized Eaglair mask. Gretchen was wearing a long, purplish-white gown with her long, dark hair done up into a bun. Instead of her usual bulky mask, she wore a lighter, simpler one that matched her gown and only covered her eyes.

Dastardos, on the other hand, was in his usual garb.

The judge ran through most of his spiel, occasionally looking up at Dastardos with a look of sheer confusion and revulsion.

"Does anyone have a reason why these two should not be wed?" the Eaglair judge asked.

Precisely at that moment, there was a loud _CRASH!_ and a huge burst of rubble exploded from the closed doors of the town hall.

Doc Patch had driven his car right through the door. His hair was a mess, his suit was torn, his mask was cracked, and his car's bumper was absolutely destroyed, but he wore a look of determination on his face.

"_I_ object, your honor!" Patch's voice was strong and stutter free. "For _I_ am in love with the one who is about to be wed today!"

"He wore a _suit_ to object?" Yen whispered to his brother in amused disbelief.

"You're in love with _GRETCHEN?"_ Dastardos' voice sounded practically feral and he pulled The Whacking Stick right out of nowhere. "Well, I'm willing to _fight _you for her!" He flew at top speed down the aisle toward Patch, the entire audience erupting into gasps. Gretchen just watched the scene with a look of mild concern on her face. Huh, she had expected silly old _Bart_ to object, not Patch…

"WAIT!" Patch held up a hand and Dastardos stopped in his tracks. "It's not Gretchen, Dastardos…" He took a deep breath and his one uncovered blue eye shimmered with tears. "I'm in love with _you."_

The spectators gasped yet again, even more loudly this time.

"I KNEW IT!" Yoto exclaimed from his place in the crowd.

"Oh…" Dastardos' suddenly got very, very quiet.

"I just…wanted to get that off my chest…" Patch shuffled his feet and began to head toward the hole he made in the wall. "H-have a nice wedding."

Dastardos' hand shot out and grabbed Patch by the collar. He yanked him back roughly and hissed into his ear.

"_No one_ ruins _my _wedding, especially not with a _homoerotic statement!"_

All mourned Doc Patchingo's untimely death.


	18. Sparcticus and Arfur

**Sparcticus and Arfur**

_(Again, another one that isn't mine! This one was done by the wonderful Suki Takayoshi…again! I owe her my life for doing yet another pairing I was fretting about! THANK YOU, SUKI.)_

Arfur sighed. Not again, the old bartender/inn keeper thought to himself. He looked in front of him, at the drunken Eskimo at the bar counter, his head buried in his hands.

"Why did it have to happen?" Sparcticus slurred, sounding truely distraught. Arfur shrugged, not really sure what to say to his friend.

"I'm so sorry my friend- who would have guessed Sahari was into girls?" he said. That's right, you heard him- Sahari was a lesbian.

Earlier that day, Sparcticus had been in the village, talking with his good friend Eddie when he saw it. His head had turned to an unfortunate sight.

Sahari was in town as well, but with a girl. This girl looked to be like she was from the desert, from the looks of her dark hair and desert-like clothes. Even worse, her hand was intertwined with Sahari's- His Sahari's hand.

He passed it off at first as one of those weird things that girls did every now and then, when he saw the desert girl lean over and plant a kiss upon Sahari's cheek, and that Sahari giggled back in a flirty way.

The whole world could have heard Sparcticus's heart break.

"I... I chased her so long... I missed my chance..." Sparcticus said, his eyes drooping over. Arfur sighed sadly. He didn't know what to say. Even he didn't know about Sahari's interest in women, and usually when people get drunk they will spill everything. Sparcticus sighed.

"Do... Do you think I might be able... to get her back?" He asked. Arfur shook his head.

"I'm sorry buddy, but being gay isn't a choice- she can't just decide when she can be straight and when she isn't,"

"Ugh... flapyakshit! She couldn't always have been a lesbian... I swore she was flirting with me the other day..."

"She was probably being friendly. Sparcticus, I think you just have to face it- Sahari only thought of you as a friend," Arfur said, a trace of apology in his voice. Sparcticus looked at him sadly, just before his eyes blazed angrily.

"W-Well, if she wants to be that way, FINE!" Sparcticus said, chugging down the rest of his drink. He slammed it on the counter, a mix of anger and hurt in his action. Arfur's eyes widened a bit, looking at his friend. Sparcticus looked at Arfur back, right in the eyes.

"If she wants to be gay, then I will too," He slurred. Arfur almost dropped his glass.

"Sparcticus, now, there are other girls, and it takes more than just a simple decision to-"

"Arfur... Sahari was, and will be, the only girl I will ever love. I can't settle for any other woman," Sparcticus said, one of his eyes drooping. Arfur raised a brow.

"... I don't know if that was the alcohol talking, or if you really just said something really poetic and romantic," Arfur said, nodding. Sparcticus nodded, a grunt coming from him.

"Yeah... being with a man can't be too much from a stretch from a woman..." The Eskimo said. Arfur blinked.

"Well, I wouldn't say-"

"I mean, with a man, a man like you," Sparcticus said, placing a hand on the inn keeper's shoulder, "I can do things to you, that I could never do to a woman,"

"I beg your pardon?" Arfur said in a creeped out tone. Sparcticus nodded, using his other hand to poke his chest.

"We.. we should like... do it..."

"Sparcticus, I'm starting to think that you might have had too much to drink tonight..."

"Sahari... would be SO pissed... if we did it... we can-" Sparcticus suddenly stopped talking when his head dropped to the counter, his hands sliding off of Arfur. Arfur looked over the passed out Eskimo, poking his arm to see if he was moving. Sparcticus let out a grunt, but he was out cold. Knowing that, the inn keeper pulled out his alert system and began to dial.

"Hello? Pinata Police department? ... Yeah, I was just calling to tell you that I was just sexually harassed... Yes, it was that Eskimo guy again..."


	19. Sparcticus and Yen

**Sparcticus and Yen**

Not too many people knew it, but the Village's town hall had a library.

It was reasonably sized, contained all sorts of books, and was always quiet and practically empty. It was no wonder Yen often stopped by there to get away from the world for a while.

Yen wasn't the loud type. He loved to lose himself in his own thoughts and in books, but that was really hard to do when you lived with the two loudest people on the Island. Yen's uncle Bart and his brother Yoto always seemed to be either loudly arguing or laughing boisterously over trivial things. Yen would take any escape he could get.

He had his own corner in the library; he would sit with his back against the wall and whatever book that struck his fancy in his hands. He was so engrossed with his novel about a psychotic doctor that he didn't hear the lumbering footsteps approaching him.

"Oh," a deep voice said with the slightest hint of surprise. "Didn't expect to see anyone else here…hello, Yen."

Yen looked up to see Sparcticus, a man from the Piñarctic. Yen felt somewhat disappointed that there was someone else around in his sanctuary; but he figured he shouldn't complain. He didn't know much about Sparcticus, but he had seen him at the P-Factor and around town on occasion. Yen did know he was a gardener and he was really, really tall, but that's about it. He also didn't talk too much…thank God. Yen would have been really annoyed if he had to share his library spot with the likes of Petula or Fannie. But then again, he wasn't sure either of them could even read in the first place.

"Didn't expect to see anyone else here, either…" Yen turned his eyes back to his book. Sparcticus couldn't help frowning. Yen was _ignoring_ him? It wasn't every day he met someone who had a common interest in reading…in fact, he _never_ did. Sahari had laughed hysterically at Sparcticus when he asked if she liked books and Eddie sighed and said he was "too busy to read."

Sparcticus had been fond of reading ever since he was very young. His mom worried about him far too much, so she never let him out of the house. He always found an escape in books, and old habits were hard to break. Even with his mother long gone, Sparcticus still loved to lose himself in a good novel.

He was a bit _too_ happy that someone shared his interest in reading, but it barely showed on his stoic face. He grabbed a random book off of the shelf behind Yen and settled down on the ground next to him.

Yen gave him a brief glance and shook his head a bit before returning to his book.

Sparcticus opened up his own book and flipped through it for a few minutes, pretending to be riveted by the story. Of _course_ he picked up some dumb thing about a teenage gardener falling in love with some travelling merchant and constantly angsting over whether her mask makes her head look big.

A silence as thick as a twelve-layer chocolate cake hung between Yen and Sparcticus. Sparcticus couldn't take it; he had a potential friend right under his nose and he had to grab the Flapyak by the horns…but what to say…

"Um," Well, he was off to a bad start. "Is it good? The book, I mean."

"I just read a twelve-page description of a guy slowly chopping up his brother and arranging his guts into a statue of a Bunnycomb," Yen drawled, his eyes still scanning across the book's pages.

"…" Sparcticus' brows flew up. He didn't expect Yen to read _that_ sort of thing…was he a psychopath?

"I wonder how many people vomited from that scene…" Yen pondered. "Not even a single pang in my stomach, though. Not even at the intestinal fluid licking part. I should be worried about that."

Sparcticus' mask screwed up at Yen's recount of the scene. Huh. So Yen was the sort of person who said whatever came to mind…he must not talk to many people to not know how to properly censor himself.

Truth be told, Yen didn't talk much because he was afraid that he would say something embarrassing, but no one really knew that. Neither he nor his twin brother had filters. Yen just knew when to shut his mouth.

Yen felt a twinge of _something._ It wasn't often that people actually spoke to him…even about books. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to talk a bit today.

"What are you reading?" Yen asked and leaned over to glance at the title.

"Uh, nothing," Sparcticus said too quickly and shoved the book into the shelf next to him. Good thing he did, too, the book was entitled _Travelling Merchants, Thongs, and How I Ruined My Hair._

Yen smirked at him and actually put his book down on his lap. "It was…nice of you to come talk to me," he confessed, brushing his obnoxiously long side-bangs away from his eye. His efforts were in vain and his bangs returned to their former place in mere moments. "I tend to just kinda…blend in into the background." Yen sighed. "People only talk to me when I'm buying things from their shops…and my uncle and brother only talk to me when they need me to go out and buy things…do you ever feel like there's someone planning out our lives and deciding what we do and where we go? I think they have it in for me…" Yen shook his head around suddenly, his red mop of hair flying with the motion. He cleared his throat and frowned, averting his eyes from Sparcticus. "Ugh, just ignore me. I'm not making any sense."

"I don't want to ignore you, Yen," Sparcticus smiled at the younger man. "I don't know why everyone does. You seem like a very interesting person."

Yen felt his face grew hot. He quickly picked his book up and literally buried his mask in it. "Th-thank you…I'd like it if you stayed her for a while and read with me. I've had an exhausting day…it would be nice to unwind with someone else for a change…"

"Of course I will," Sparcticus' smile grew broader as he grabbed another book off the shelf behind him. This one looked silly, but more interesting; it was about a Jeli falling in love with the shiest Lemmoning on the tundra according to the plot summary on the back.

After one silent hour of reading, Sparcticus felt weight smack him on the shoulder. He jumped a bit and surprise and turned to see what caused that.

It was Yen, dead asleep, his head lolling right onto Sparcticus and his long red hair splayed across the taller man's shoulder. The expression on his mask was serene and his chest rose and fall with the deep breaths of slumber.

Wow, Yen wasn't joking when he said he was tired…Sparcticus shifted a bit so both of them would be more comfortable, and Yen actually fell off of his shoulder and wound up with his head on Sparcticus' lap. He barely even stirred at all.

Sparcticus sighed and turned his eyes back to his book. He didn't mind, but it would be one hell of an awkward situation once Yen finally woke up…


	20. Sahari and Storkos

**Sahari and Storkos**

Sahari was _very_ excited.

She was having a guest over that she liked a _whole_ lot. She didn't get too many visitors to her desert home, so this was a special occasion!

She had baked her own special cookie recipe and they were cooling in a tray on her counter. Sahari absolutely _had_ to impress her guest, because she had a recent epiphany that she had quite a bit of a crush on them.

She had endured hours and _hours_ of her buddy Yoto talking about how great this woman is…and he was right! Storkos was heroic, strong, beautiful, and had a great sense of humor. Sahari just didn't have the heart to break to Yoto that the superheroine was actually a lesbian.

Storkos had confessed that little fact to Sahari and Maxime when they were walking home after they had dinner together. She was awfully embarrassed about it, but her two friends were fully supportive. Sahari was actually secretly thrilled; she didn't mind men, but she always preferred ladies…especially headstrong ones like Storkos!

Sahari jumped at the firm knocks on her door and bolted to answer it. She opened the door and almost fainted at the sight before her.

Storkos had dressed differently for her trip to the desert; she was wearing a tight-fitting tank top and a loose, patterned blue skirt made of light fabric. White and blue sandals with teeny tiny doo-dads on them were on her feet, which Sahari thought was wise. Going barefoot in the desert wasn't too smart of an idea…

After Sahari finally picked her jaw up off the floor, she greeted: "Hi, Storkos!" Sahari tried not to sound too eager…she should take this slow.

"Hi, Sahari, thanks for having me over!" Storkos sighed a bit as she entered the house and she rested her hand against her cheek. "It's not often I have a night off, but mostly everyone was too busy to spend time with me…I'm so glad you offered."

Sahari blushed beneath her mask. "I'm happy to host you! Actually…I heard that you like cookies, so I made you my specialty!" Sahari gestured towards the cookies on the counter like they were a beautiful piece of artwork. "A recipe that's been passed down through my family for _ages!_ I hope you like them. They have a secret ingredient!" Sahari winked at Storkos. "I think you'll be able to guess what it is when you try one!"

"I do like surprises!" Storkos grinned and she took a cookie in her hand. "These are still warm, too…thanks for making these for me, Sahari…" Her smile became slightly more than friendly. "You know the way to a woman's heart is through her stomach…especially with me!"

"Okay, you caught me…" Sahari chuckled and nervously fiddled with a lock of her spiky, unruly hair. "You're just…wonderful, Storkos. You're almost never appreciated, too! I wanted to change that!"

Storkos walked over to Sahari and planted a quick kiss on her forehead. "Thank you…"

Sahari's heart sped up at Storkos' gesture of affection. Oh, she couldn't wait to see the look on Yoto's face when she heard that Storkos was into _her_ instead of _him!_

Storkos finally took a bite of the cookie…

…and her eyes widened, her face turned bright red, and she collapsed to the floor.

_VPVPVPVPVPVPVPVPVP_

Sahari paced around the waiting room of Patch's clinic, biting her nails down to the cuticles. What happened? Everything was so perfect, and then…!

Patch finally poked his head out of the door and looked at Sahari, the eyebrows of his monkey mask furrowed. He was biting his lip and looked entirely unsure of what to say.

"Sah-Sahari…" Patch tentatively stepped into the room as he fiddled with his gloved hands. "I…I have some b-b-b-b-bad news…y-you should sit d-d-d-down…"

Sahari's heart grew heavy and she practically fell into one of the seats. Patch crouched at her side and placed an arm around her.

"Your friend…wuh-wuh-well…" Patch shifted back and forth nervously. "Storkos is…n-no longer with us…"

"She's WHAT?" Sahari actually whacked Patch away from her and sent him stumbling onto the floor. Sahari rose to her feet, feeling hot tears forming in the corner of her eyes. "Why? How? What happened?"

"I-I'm not sure…" Patch remained on the ground, too ashamed that he had lost a patient to make eye contact with Sahari. "There were severe b-b-burns in her mouth…and she seemed to have suffered a heart attack…" Patch actually couldn't help shedding a tear himself. He had never lost a _human_ patient…and he knew he was doing a bad job at breaking the news.

Sahari knew what caused that.

It was _her_ fault. It was the _cookies!_

Desert-dwellers were known for their love of spicy food, so the Acosta family's cookie recipe contained all sorts of spicy additions and more types of peppers than you could shake a stick at. Sahari had never even considered that someone without Dessert Desert-born blood running through their veins wouldn't be able to handle it…!

Sahari collapsed to the ground and cried.

She never loved…or baked…ever again.


	21. Gretchen and Patch

**Gretchen and Patch**

Gretchen couldn't _believe_ this. Nothing like this had ever happened to her in all of her years of hunting, and she actually had no idea how to react.

She hated how completely helpless she felt. She always knew exactly what to do, no matter what life threw at her, but this was a different story. To make matters worse, she _never_ took her Alert System out on hunts. It was too distracting, and if it made any noise it would scare away the piñatas!

So all poor Gretchen could do was sit there and look at her profusely bleeding leg.

She had been unfortunate enough to have stepped into a concealed Fizzlybear trap. It had clamped around her leg and unbelievable pain wracked her body. She actually screamed (which she still couldn't believe) and had fallen into a heap on the ground. Where the hell did the trap _come from?_ She hadn't set it; she knew _exactly_ where she placed all of her traps, and she preferred to use nets or tranquilizers. She didn't like to hurt the piñatas she was hunting.

The trap-setter must have been a local gardener who didn't want to shell out the chocolate cash to get a proper hunting job done, or maybe it was that new huntress in the neighboring village. She rubbed Gretchen the wrong way from the moment she saw her; if the new huntress was behind this, Gretchen would have to teach her a lesson!

Gretchen hadn't gone completely soft in her pain, though. She had managed to pry the trap off of her leg, but that just made the blood come faster. She attempted to stagger to her feet, but her hurt leg wobbled and she fell right to the ground again. Great, now she had to deal with bloodstains _and_ grass stains later…

Gretchen had started to crawl along the forest floor, slowly but surely. She was _Gretchen Fetchem,_ she wasn't just going to sit there and bleed out! She had to get herself to safety…

She heard the sound of something in the distance. Had she been in proper physical condition, she would have concealed herself in a bush or behind a tree as soon as she heard the noise. She hoped it wasn't some kind of big piñata; she really, _really_ wasn't up to fight off anything fierce right now.

A bright red car rolled into Gretchen's sights and the swirling eyes of her masks narrowed.

Oh, it was the exact opposite of a fierce piñata. It was Doc Patchingo.

Even if Gretchen thought the stuttering, docile Patch was a sorry excuse for a man, he was still a doctor, and he could help her!

Patch skidded to a stop as soon as he saw Gretchen lying on the forest floor. "Ah-are you okay?" Patch practically leapt out of his car, med kit in hand, and rushed to Gretchen's side.

"No," Gretchen hissed. "I'm just lying on the ground because I felt like it."

Patch blushed and started to turn around, but Gretchen slammed a palm into her mask's forehead and added: "That was _sarcasm."_

Patch knelt down next to Gretchen, his face burning all the more. Gretchen _never_ got sick, so he rarely spoke to her. He didn't feel the slightest bit comfortable around her; she was…unique-looking. Her mask was enormous and intimidating, but her body was beautiful. Patch had to do his best not to stare as Gretchen sat up and splayed her injured leg out in front of her.

"Fizzlybear trap," Gretchen stated, averting her eyes. She was ashamed to be seen in a moment of weakness. "Didn't see it coming."

"D-d-don't worry, Miss Fetchem, it's an easy f-f-fix…" Patch reached into his doctor's bag and started to disinfect the wound.

Gretchen didn't even flinch despite the stinging sensation. Patch was impressed; this woman had some incredible resolve! Petula had gotten awfully scratched up from a renegade Kittyfloss, and when he had disinfected her wounds, she had actually bawled like a baby.

Patch finished quickly and bandaged her up, wrapping the gauze tightly to stop the bleeding. "Th-that's all there is to it! C-c-can you walk, Miss Fetchem?"

"…No," Gretchen admitted, still not looking Patch in the eye. Patch responded by reaching around her and helping her to her feet, supporting her on his shoulder.

"I-I'll help you get b-b-back to town," Patch smiled and hoped Gretchen couldn't notice how much he was blushing.

"What about your car?" Gretchen glanced at the tiny red vehicle. "If you could call it that…"

"O-oh, I'll just…c-come back for it later. We can't both fit…" Patch started to walk slowly along, shifting Gretchen a bit so she could get better support from him.

"…Thank you, Doctor," Gretchen finally made eye contact with him, a small smile lifting at the corners of her mouth. "I owe you one."

"N-no, this one's on me…" Patch shook his head. "I n-never treated you b-before, and my first customer is always free!"

"That's sweet…" Gretchen admitted and she actually felt Patch's entire body heat up.

Being called 'sweet' by one of the most sought after women in town…Patch would have to try very, _very_ hard not to brag about that one! He was more than happy he was able to help her, but he felt like he was forgetting something…

The sick family of Pretztails that Patch was on the way to cure all died at the hands of Dastardos that evening.


	22. Dastardos and Arthur

**Dastardos and Arthur**

**(AN: Again, an AU where someone was born as the opposite gender. Excuses, excuses, blah blah blah here's a oneshot)**

_Knock knock knock knock!_

_Ugh, him again._

Four firm knocks, always the same timing. Dastardos knew exactly who that was.

It was Arthur, a local gardener, filthy rich, extremely tall, and, for some reason,_ obsessed_ with Dastardos.

Dastardos tried not to gripe _too_ much. With that obsession came free Life Sweets for Magnar. Arthur had somehow managed to learn about the tiny piñata, and offered to provide the little guy with Life Sweets in exchange for his own life. Dastardos doesn't take too well to people digging up information on his past, and Magnar is a dead giveaway to his former self.

Arthur hadn't breathed a word, however. It had been _months_ since he had found out, and Dastardos hadn't been accosted by a single shovel-armed lynch mob. Dastardos still didn't trust him.

For one thing, Arthur's obsession was downright…strange. He'd constantly ask Dastardos questions, like "How does it feel when you turn transparent?" and "Was the souring process painful?" He'd have this giddy look on his face when Dastardos spoke, like Dastardos was the most fascinating, rare piñata he ever laid eyes on. Dastardos didn't like to be treated like a fucking Chewnicorn. He only put up with it for Magnar's sake. His love for that little piñata was probably mentally unhealthy…

Dastardos swallowed his contempt and called: "Get the hell in here before someone sees you."

Despite the cold invitation, Arthur entered Dastardos' tree with a huge grin on his face. Dastardos' eyes weren't on the grin, though, they were on the bag of Life Sweets that was clasped in Arthur's gloved hand. Magnar scurried out from behind the couch and exclaimed "Yay, Arthur's here!" He promptly began rubbing his head all over the tall gardener's boots.

Arthur smiled and bent down to pet Magnar. "Are yew 'ungry, little guy?"

"Always!" Magnar peeped and nudged the bag in Arthur's hand. Arthur dropped it to the ground and let the contents spill out. Magnar immediately tucked into the sweets.

"Save some for later, little guy!" Arthur chuckled as he rose to his full height. He looked at Dastardos expectantly, wanting a thank you.

"…you can leave now," Dastardos waved Arthur off. "I'm not in the mood to sitting through one of your little 'interviews.'"

"Wot do yew mean?" Arthur took that as an invitation to sit on the couch next to the reaper, much to Dastardos' chagrin.

"I mean, every time you come over here you're asking me every single dumb thing you can think of," Dastardos made a point of scooting as far away from Arthur as possible. "Why the hell do you do that?"

"Well, I'm fascinated!" Arthur chuckled awkwardly and shrugged. "Do yew blame me? 'Ave yew _seen_ yourself? A floating…practically _deceased_ bloke 'oo can't get 'urt no matter wot life throws at 'im!" Arthur's awkward chuckling became a loud laugh. "And, despite 'ow scary yew are, yew keep the most precious piñata I ever laid eyes on! Yew are quite the character!"

"If…you say so," Dastardos furrowed his brow and he wished he could scoot further away from Arthur. If he tried, though, he'd float right through the couch arm. "Why _me?_ Pester's just as 'interesting' as I am. And the Ruffians. All sour candy victims."

Arthur wrinkled his nose at the mention of Pester's name. "Yew are…_very_ different than those people. Yew actually seem mostly sane! And, well…" Arthur looked over at Magnar, who was rolling around on his back as he gleefully gnawed on a Mousemallow candy. "Magnar, can Dastardos and I talk in private?"

"Oh, sure!" Magnar hopped to his feet and trodded into Dastardos' sorry excuse for a bedroom, the Mousemallow sweet in his mouth.

"There's something _else_ about yew…" Arthur looked at Dastardos with a dead serious expression and reached his hand forward. Dastardos felt his heart drop into what was left of his tattered stomach. Arthur brushed Dastardos' masked cheek with his thumb, and Dastardos just looked back at him with a stunned expression. "Your demeanor…it's just…so attractive to me. I _never_ even _looked_ at another man like I look at yew. Yew are so powerful and intimidating, I just…want to know everything about yew."

Dastardos wasn't sure what to say to that-what _could_ he say to that?- so he just kept looking at Arthur like a Doenut in headlights.

"I'm sorry if this is invasive, but…" Arthur placed both hands on either side of Dastardos' mask. "May I…see your face? I've wanted nothing more ever since I first spoke to yew."

Dastardos remained as silent and still as the Pretztail he had killed that morning.

"_Please_, Dastardos?" Arthur had begun to fiddle with Dastardos' mask strap himself when Dastardos finally felt something in his brain snap.

Arthur's bloody, beaten, nearly unrecognizable body was found in a ditch in the Dessert Desert two days later.


	23. Pester and Leafos

**Pester and Leafos**

**(A.N. Trying something new…didn't mean for it to come out so…terrifying. It's one AM, I know I'm not going to remember writing this in the morning.**

**None of this is canon to my fanon…unless Lizzie wants it to be.)**

Leafos' life was _over._

All it took was one quick blow to the head, and she awoke in a dark, dank lair that could only belong to Professor Pester. When she awoke, she found that her mask was gone and she was strapped to a table. There was absolutely _no way_ she would be getting out of this in one piece.

She felt her stomach knot into a nauseous mess when she heard a swift, lumbering gait enter the room.

"Ah, my precious prisoned princess is finally awake…" Professor Pester's unmistakable voice purred as he walked to the head of the table. "I was wondering when you'd come to…"

"Whuh-what do you…?" Leafos was silenced by Pester placing a thick finger over her lips.

"I want _you_, my dear…" Pester's mask stretched into a sharp-toothed smile. "And I finally have you right where I want you!" Professor Pester let out a long, drawn-out sigh. "I was right…" Professor Pester leaned in uncomfortably close and cupped Leafos' cheek in his hand. "You look _exactly_ like your mother."

"M-my…_mother?"_ Leafos was so terrified she could only manage to repeat what Pester was saying. She had an awful urge to cry or vomit…or both.

"Indeed…" Pester stood up straight, much to Leafos' relief. He began to pace around the room, lost in his memories. "A beautiful woman. Smart, strong, deliciously sexy…best sailor on the whole damn Island!" Professor Pester rubbed his hands together. "The whole reason I took that job assisting your _disgusting_ father was so I could look at your beautiful mother every day. Jardiniero hired me shortly before they started 'seeing each other.'" Professor Pester made a face. "I had my eye on her for a long, long time."

Professor Pester sat down in his computer chair and swiveled back and forth absent-mindedly. "She broke my heart. We got drunk together one evening, shortly before she married your father." Pester's sickening grin returned. "We slept together. It was the first and only time I was with a woman."

Leafos gasped, nearly choking on her own breath.

"In the morning, she gave me a black eye, said she never wanted to speak to me _ever_ again!" Pester slammed his fist into the console next to him, making a rather sizable dent. "That goddamned Jardiniero…he brought me nothing but humiliation and shame! I'm _glad_ your mother doesn't have to be with him any longer! She deserved _much_ better!"

Professor Pester reached into his pocket and approached Leafos yet again. "You're her spitting image, dear Leafos…" Professor Pester gave her a smile so unnervingly genuine that it chilled Leafos to her very soul. "If I couldn't have your wonderful mother…I'll gladly take _you."_ Professor Pester pulled his hand from his pocket and revealed a bright pink sweet. "One taste of this Romance Candy, and you'll be mine forever."

"No! Never! I'll fight it off; I'll _never_ be with the man who destroyed my family!" Leafos thrashed in her restraints, but that only made Pester's smirk grow wider.

"This sweet…" Pester grabbed Leafos' chin. "…might have other ideas!"

Leafos stopped thrashing about and shut her eyes. This was it. She'd be under the love spell of a sick villain forever…at least she would be deluded into happiness…

"STOP RIGHT THERE!" a voice shouted as loudly as a thunderclap.

Pester dropped the sweet. It bounced off of Leafos' cheek and fell to the floor. Leafos craned her neck to see who the voice belonged to, but her question was answered before she could get a proper look.

"Dastardos!" Pester growled. "I _told_ you not to meddle with my plan tonight! This is _extremely_ important!"

"It's not 'important,' it's _sick!"_ Dastardos flew right up to Pester and shoved him. "Kidnapping an innocent girl and forcing her to love you just because she looks like her _mother?"_

"What, are you jealous?" Pester cackled. "We can kidnap a hapless girl for you too! Whatever one you like! How about that Gretchen, hmm? Or-"

"NO! I don't want a girl!" Dastardos clenched his fists as tightly as he could.

"What kind of villain _are_ you?" Pester sounded offended.

"I might be a 'villain,' but I have some goddamned _standards!"_ Dastardos produced the Whacking Stick and held it up threateningly. "Let. Her. Go."

"Make me!" Pester stuck out his tongue at Dastardos.

Dastardos let out a roar and didn't hesitate to begin beating Pester like he was a hard-shelled Chewnicorn.

By the time he was done, Pester was lying in a heap on the floor, barely conscious, and _very_ angry. He was choking on blood, but he still managed to burble several curses at Dastardos.

His curses were ignored and Dastardos quickly undid the restraints that bound Leafos to the table.

As Leafos dizzily brought herself to a sitting position, Dastardos fetched her mask from where Pester had tossed it.

"Here, take it," Dastardos looked away as he offered Leafos her mask.

She obliged and fixed it onto her face. "But…why did you…?"

"I have _standards,_ lady," Dastardos shook his head. "I couldn't sit by and let this happen."

"If you hadn't shown up, I'd be…" Leafos glanced at the discarded romance sweet and her entire body shuddered. She hugged herself.

"I know, but _listen,"_ Dastardos' tone became very, very serious. "You will tell _no one_ about this. Not a _soul._ Or else we'll both have a _lot_ of problems to deal with."

Leafos nodded and shakily lowered herself to the floor.

"Get out of here," Dastardos nodded at the door. "And make it _quick."_

Leafos made it two steps before she dropped to her knees and vomited on Pester's carpet.

"That's a good parting gift for Pester," Dastardos smirked as Leafos coughed and wiped her mouth on her glove. "That'll let him know _exactly_ what you think of his affections."

"He…he won't try this again, will he?" Leafos wobbled to her feet and resumed her trek to the door.

"Not on my watch, Leafos," Dastardos shook his head, too overwhelmed to even notice he made the mistake of calling his sister by name.

He had a lot on his mind. He had been eavesdropping, and one of the things Pester said stood out to him.

Had Pester _really_ slept with Dastardos' mother? Could it be that Pester was…

No. There was no way in _hell_ that could be true…


	24. Vilos and Patrice

**Vilos and Patrice**

Patrice was wandering through the jungle as the sun set in the distance. She was gleefully humming her favorite song to herself as she took in the sights around her. Island life wasn't so bad; the foliage was beautiful, the fauna was amazing, and the temperature was always positively perfect! She smiled up at a Galagoogoo that poked his head out of a tree. He smiled back, blushed, and retreated back into the tree as quickly as he had come.

Patrice's humming trailed off and she let out a sigh. What a wonderfully beautiful evening this was going to be…

…wait a minute, what was that sound?

Patrice held her breath and took careful steps forward towards the noise. As she grew closer, the sound became clearer. It was crying. It sounded like body-wracking sobs and the occasional sniffle. Was someone hurt or in trouble? Patrice always kept a few bandages on her…she made a vow to do her best to find this person!

She continued to make her way towards the noise. Those tears were unfamiliar. She's had many people in her clinic, and plenty of them had cried for whatever reason. Fear of needles, nervous to hear her diagnosis, a particularly ill piñata, a terribly bad bellyache…Patrice had no clue who these tears were coming from. It sounded like a woman, but with girly men like Freddie around, one could never be too sure.

Patrice parted some branches and finally found the source of the crying. She actually gasped and retreated back behind the branches, her hands over her mouth.

The sight she had beheld was Vilos, sprawled on the grass on her stomach, her mask splintered into pieces next to her and her face buried in her hands, propped up on her elbows. Vilos shook as she sobbed, her clothes were torn to reveal bruises and bleeding cuts. Vilos' blood was black and viscous; a sight that turned even the stomach of Patrice, who had the high constitution a doctor should.

Patrice could have, should have, turned away and pretended to not have seen anything. But this was someone who was hurt; she made a _vow_ to help anyone in pain, no matter who it was. Even if it was her arch-enemy!

Besides, Vilos was maskless. Patrice had always been more than a little curious about what was behind that mask…she had seen most of the Village unmasked in her clinic. Vilos was one of the glaring exceptions. Patrice couldn't help wanting to know.

Patrice took slow, tentative steps into the clearing. Vilos didn't even come up from her hands, but she obviously heard Patrice's approach.

"Go AWAY, Mistress!" Vilos screamed amidst her sobs. "Don't you think you've done enough! Are you here to fucking _gloat?_ No need to rub salt in these fucking wounds; I'm going to be stuck here for _days_ until I heal! I can't reap in this condition! I can't do _anything!"_

"It's…it's…" Patrice's voice became very, very small. "…it's not Mistress…Mayhem…"

"Oh, FUCK ME!" Vilos' tears turned to exasperation and she managed to hobble herself up to a sitting position. She glared right at Patrice, her face fully revealed.

Damn, she had some _serious_ damage! Two black eyes, a swollen nose, a split lip, a_ huge_ gash on her forehead…

"Mistress Mayhem did_ this _to you?" Patrice actually felt a huge lightning bolt of sympathy strike her. "Why? How?"

"I don't need your fake pity, _Barbie,"_ Vilos coughed. A few drops of blood flew from her mouth and dotted the ground. "This happens a _lot._ Mayhem has a _shovel. _I put a toe out of line, and that bitch beats me _senseless."_ Vilos realized what she was saying and pointedly turned her head away from Patrice. "Ugh, why am I telling _you_ this? Bet you'll go home and laugh about this later." Vilos' put her voice up an octave mockingly: "Ooooh, you'll never g-guess what I saw! Vilos was in the woods, b-b-beaten up, and crying her _eyes_ out! She's as fragile as a stupid sick Pretztail!"

"I do _not_ talk like that," Patrice pouted and scooched forward. "Vilos…you need _care._ I can't leave you here. P-please…come back to my clinic?"

"_NO!"_ Vilos shouted so loudly that Patrice nearly fled on the spot. Vilos took a deep breath. "_NO ONE_ can see my face. And I can't go anywhere until I heal up and fix my mask," Vilos glared over at the pile of red, splintery wood that used to hide her face from the world. "I heal faster than normal people, but..."

"Well…if you won't go with me…I'll clean you up and patch you up here…" Patrice reached into her pockets and pulled out several types of bandages. "You'll at least be in less pain…"

Vilos opened her mouth to argue, but she knew it was futile. She was so tired…losing more blood wouldn't help anything at all. "…fine. But make it quick."

Patrice smiled and got to work.

"Wh-why did she d-do this to you?" Patrice asked as she wrapped gauze around a cut on Vilos' leg. "If…um…you don't mind me asking…"

"She told me to kidnap some guy for her," Vilos barely winced when Patrice pulled the gauze tight. The uninjured parts of her were still as invulnerable as ever. "I told her to fuck off." Vilos smiled ironically. "…that didn't end too well for me."

"I-I always thought you'd jump at a chance to…do evil things…" Patrice carefully bandaged a cut that was uncomfortably close to one of Vilos' small breasts. "M-maybe you're not all bad…"  
>"Nah," Vilos shook her head. "I…have my reasons for doing what I do…" Vilos got a faraway look in her eyes.<p>

"And…uh…what are those reasons?" Patrice asked, her eyes full of honest curiosity.

"I'll never tell _anyone,"_ Vilos shook her head. "Especially not _you."_

"…oh…all right…" Patrice worked in silence the rest of the time.

After about ten minutes, she smiled at Vilos. "All done. How do you feel?"

"Slightly better…" Vilos rubbed her blackened eyes. "I…can't believe you actually helped me."

"Oh, I…" Patrice turned a little pink. "I try to see the g-good in everyone, Vilos. I thought I couldn't find anything g-g-good about you at all before, but now that I know about what Mistress Mayhem does to you…" Patrice looked at the ground. "I…I feel really bad. I wish I could…"

"Wish you could _what?"_ Vilos tilted a white brow.

"Nothing, forget I said anything," Patrice shook her head rapidly. "Just…" Patrice leaned forward and pulled Vilos into a soft embrace. Wow, she could feel every last bone in Vilos' body…this poor woman…

Much to Patrice's surprise, Vilos actually didn't tear herself away. She even gave Patrice a small, awkward pat on the back. Must not be too experienced with hugs…

"…just be more careful, okay?" Patrice said softly when the two of them separated.

"I can't promise that," Vilos shifted so she was lying down on her back and she folded her hands over her stomach. "But…I'll try to watch my mouth a bit better around Mayhem from now on…"

"G-glad to hear it…" Patrice smiled again as she rose to her feet. "You…you sure you don't want to come back to the clinic…?"

"One. Hundred. Percent." Vilos turned her head to look at Patrice. "Actually, I'd prefer if you'd _never_ speak of this again. As of tomorrow, we're back to being nemeses."

That's what Patrice was afraid she'd say. "…fine…goodbye," Patrice departed with a sigh.

"Bye," Vilos grumbled in response. She shut her eyes and did her best to let sleep take her.

As Patrice made her way back to the Village, a thought entered her head.

Beneath all of those bruises, Vilos was beautiful. Did she…have a life before all of this? Patrice had no clue where the mysterious reaper girl came from. It seemed like such a shame that she had to spend her life under the iron rule of a sick woman like Mistress Mayhem.

Patrice wondered if there was a way to cure humans who were exposed to Sour Candy…

…would Vilos even _want_ to be cured?

Whether Vilos wanted a cure or not, Patrice thought she deserved one. She had a feeling there was a decent heart buried underneath all of that coldness.


	25. Mistress Mayhem and Vilos TW: NONCON

**Mistress Mayhem and Vilos**

**(AN: …not my usual thing. Not sure where THIS came from. I'm sorry.)**

Vilos sighed as she threw her feather duster to the floor.

She had shined up the whole goddamned lair in that goddamned maid uniform of hers, and she knew very well that she wouldn't even get a goddamned thanks from her goddamned boss in return. Guess she could just go home and-DAMN IT.

As soon as she turned to face the doors, they slid open and revealed Mistress Mayhem, her skirt askew and her enormous stiletto boots covered in something disgusting and slimy.

"Mistress…where…?" Vilos didn't want to resist talking out of turn. The dreaded shovel, the only thing in the universe that could hurt her, was lying in its usual spot on the wall. After five miserable hours of cleaning Mistress Mayhem's Rashberry sty of a lair, Vilos really didn't want to receive a beating. She'd do _anything_ to keep that shovel far, far away.

"UGH, Vilos, it was just AWFUL!" Mistress Mayhem stomped into the room, her heels making a terrible noise against the metal path that led from the door. She plunked down into an overstuffed armchair and buried her mask in her hands.

Vilos tentatively flew to Mistress Mayhem's side and gently placed a hand on the side of the chair. "Do…you want to vent?"  
>"HELL YES I WANT TO VENT!" Mistress Mayhem glared at her underling and slammed her fists into the arms of the chair. Vilos jumped and leapt back, her glowing eyes wide with surprise.<p>

Mistress Mayhem heaved a sigh and shook her bleached-blonde head. "Sorry, sweetie. Mommy had a bad day." She sighed again and rested her cheek against her sharp-nailed hand. "Mommy had…some needs today, and she went out looking to fulfill them."

"Oh…?" Vilos didn't like where this story was going. Mistress Mayhem's stories were always…shocking, to say the least.

"So I heard talk that the post office boy has been absolutely DESPERATE to get laid," Mistress Mayhem narrowed her acid eyes. "So, I strode in there, posed in front of him, dropped my skirt, and said 'I heard about your dilemma, let's screw, no strings attached!'" Mistress Mayhem turned to give Vilos a very serious look. "Do you know what he _did?"_

"No, Mistress, I couldn't guess," Vilos shook her head, her low voice monotone. She wasn't in the mood for her usual bubbly act, and she could tell that her Mistress wasn't in the mood for it either.

"He _vomited_. Right onto my_ favorite_ _boots!"_ Mistress Mayhem sobbed and buried her mask in her hands again. "Dis-_GUST_-ing! There's still a bit on there…could you clean it off, darling?"

Vilos was afraid she'd say that. She grabbed some cleaning gear and returned to her boss, wrinkling her nose at the smell and texture of the vomit. "Ugh, what the hell did this guy _eat?"_

Vilos' little comment was ignored. Mistress Mayhem was gazing off into the distance, lost in her own world.

"Okay, they're clean…" Vilos sighed after a while, wadding up the vomit-soaked cloth and floating over to toss them away.

"Vilos…" Mistress Mayhem rested her hand against her forehead. "I need to show you something."

The serious tone in Mistress Mayhem's voice made Vilos stop in her tracks momentarily. She wasn't yelling…she wasn't screaming or threatening for once. This _had_ to be serious.

"Go ahead," Vilos floated over to the chair again while Mistress Mayhem stood up. The oversized supervillainess headed over to her overstuffed desk and crouched down to riffle through the lowermost drawer. After a few moments, she returned to the chair, a framed photo in her hand.

Vilos' curiosity got the best of her and she leaned over to see what the picture was. Her lips parted in mild surprise.

It was a maskless woman, she looked to be in her twenties, with bright green eyes, long blonde hair, and a beautiful figure wearing some sort of silken nightgown. She was smiling into the camera and twirling a lock of her hair coquettishly around one of her slender fingers.

"Who…?" Vilos asked, her eyebrows rising. Why would Mistress Mayhem randomly have a photo of a maskless woman lying around? She made it _very_ clear that she was into men, and yet…something about this lady seemed familiar…

"Me," Mistress Mayhem's grip on the photo's frame tightened. "Lacey. Back when I was Lacey and not…_this._ I used to be _beautiful,_ Vilos. I had men _lining up_ to spend time with me!" She chuckled darkly and placed the photo down on her thighs. "I forget who took this one…was it Luthor? We had quite a few liaisons back in the day…right before he married that frumpy _Wilma Builder_." Mistress Mayhem slammed a fist into the poor chair's arm again. "Even slept with your dad! TWICE. Now _that_ was a man," Mistress Mayhem hugged the photo of her former self to her chest. "He told me he wanted to marry me, he would do _anything_ to make me happy…and then _Jardiniera_ came along with all of her _success_ and her _beautiful garden…_stole his heart away!" Mistress Mayhem focused her gaze on the photo. "Still slept with him once they were engaged. He said he never wanted to see me again…so naturally I made _sure_ Jardiniera hired me to work in her garden." Mistress Mayhem threw her head back and laughed. "Should have seen the _look_ on his face! Of _course_ he couldn't tell your mother a word about what happened! He'd get tossed out faster than you could say 'adultery!'"

Mistress Mayhem's amusement passed as quickly as it had come and she looked down at the photo again. "I always thought I achieved _perfection_ once I Soured myself. I _was_ beautiful when I was younger, when we both first ate the candy…but look at me _now."_

Vilos found herself backing away as Mistress Mayhem undid the laces on the back of her mask. When she finally took it off, she looked at Vilos, her cheeks streaked with tears.

"No _wonder_ none of these men want to spend any quality time with me. _LOOK_ at me!" Mistress Mayhem wailed and tossed her mask clear across the room, along with the photo of her former self. Their enormous crashing sounds as they hit the floor made Vilos start a bit.

Mistress Mayhem's face seemed to be…drooping. Her nose was enormous and hooked, her eyes had enormous bags beneath them, and her lips were completely uneven. The Sour markings extended to her face; veiny, dark red patterns snaked on her cheeks. All of the weight she had gained gave her a rather sizable double chin, as well.

"I'm not _beautiful_ any more, Vilos! Not like _you!"_ Mistress Mayhem spat at her underling.

"No, Mistress, _no!"_ Vilos waved her hands around. She knew where this would go. Mistress Mayhem would beat her down until either of them could barely breathe from exhaustion and Vilos would spend the rest of the night in a heap in the corner, clinging to her undead life by a thread in a pool of her own thick blood. She'd do _anything_ to keep that from happening. Even telling a little white lie. "What you have-what we both have-is a different_ kind_ of beauty. You're still beautiful. All of those men are _fools _for turning you down, especially with the way you dress. They all must be too intimidated by your striking appearance!" Where were these words _coming_ from? It was a miracle that Vilos could still keep her voice steady.

"You _really_ think I'm beautiful?" Mistress Mayhem cocked a thick brow at her underling and rose from her chair slowly. Vilos didn't like the skeptism in her voice.

Vilos swallowed and managed to choke: "Yes. Yes, Mistress, I do."

"Prove it," Mistress Mayhem narrowed her eyes at her underling.

"I'll do anything to please you, Mistress," Vilos bowed her head.

"Mama still has some…needs that need attending to. After that rejection, they're even _worse."_ Mistress Mayhem pointedly pouted and Vilos felt her knees go so weak that she actually stopped floating.

Vilos hadn't expected _this…_

"You wouldn't want Mama to get _mad,_ would you?" Mistress Mayhem clacked over to Vilos and tilted her chin up so she was looking straight into her eyes. "Do Mama this favor and she'll be _very_ happy. If you don't…_neither of us will be."_

Vilos shut her eyes. She had no choice.

"Yes, Mistress. Whatever you say."

A smirk overtook Mistress Mayhem's twisted face as she reached to unzip the back of Vilos' maid dress.


	26. Fannie and Seedos

**Fannie and Seedos**

Fannie was working away in her Post Office, not a single customer in sight. She giggled to herself; now was the perfect time to snoop through the mail!

She carefully steamed open a particularly ornate envelope and shrieked with delight. _A love letter!_

_Dearest Leafos,_

_ Your beautiful visage haunts me so that I had to send you my feelings in writing. Unfortunately, I lack the ability to write, so I paid Doctor Patchingo to write this letter down for me._

_ I can't stop thinking about you. I love you more than I love my work, more than I love eating Flutterscotches, more than I love every beautiful thing in nature. Your mask is more lovely than the greenest tree, your eyes as blue and bright as the butt of a plump Taffly-_

Eugh, Fannie was done with _that_ one! She wasn't even going to send that to poor Leafos! Langston could never leave her alone, could he?

Fannie crumpled up the letter and threw it in the trash. There was probably something juicier in here…maybe a cheesy love letter that Eddie sent to Maxime! Those were always GOLD, she couldn't wait to find another one to copy into her novel!

But wait a second…what was _that?_

There was an enormous crate in the corner of the mail room. HUGE. One of the biggest ones Fannie had ever seen! Oh goodness, it must be the most lavish gift that the Island had ever seen! Fannie just _had_ to sneak a peek!

Grabbing a nearby crowbar, Fannie jammed it into the crate and tugged…

The explosion and Fannie's scream could be heard all throughout the Village.

_VPVPVPVPVPVPVP_

Mere moments later, Seedos was walking through town on his usual seed route when he noticed something.

The Post Office windows were broken open and several bright red, green, and black thorny vines snaked all over the building.

"Weeds?" Seedos inquired under his breath and he tilted his head at the sight before him.

"DAAANG, Seedos, what did Fannie ever do to you?" said a boisterous voice that Seedos recognized as belonging to Yoto. "You weeded up her whole Post Office! Man, I know she's ugly, but this is _low!"_

Seedos turned to glare at Yoto. "It _wasn't me._ Knowing her, she probably set off a Weed Bomb."

"What the hell's a Weed Bomb?" Yoto casually shook a beverage in his hand. It looked like orange juice, but it was tinted a pinkish color. Seedos had better things to worry about than what the hell Yoto was carrying.

"Some gardeners send them to each other to play pranks," Seedos snorted. "I've actually had people _pay me_ to bring in my Shellybeans and help them clear out their gardens. I'm cheaper than hiring a Weedling, apparently, and much less irritating."

"Says you," Yoto snickered. Suddenly, a flash of mischief appeared in his eyes and he looked down at the drink in his hand. "Hey…Seedos, do you have any Shellybeans on you now?"

"Four!" Seedos held up four fingers and, as if on cue, eight little eyestalks poked out of the top pocket of his backpack. "I was going to take them to Patch's for a check-up. These guys are overdue."

"Before you do that, I _totally_ think you should help Fannie," Yoto grinned at Seedos. "She might pay you! Plus, it would be nice of you. Maybe people will stop hitting you with shovels if you do a nice thing for a girl!"

Seedos glared daggers at Yoto. "It's not that simple."

"It couldn't hurt!" Yoto shrugged with a grin. "Look, cleaning up weeds is thirsty work. I was gonna bring this orange juice to Leena, but you can have it if you want."

"Well, orange juice is my favorite…" Seedos held out his hand. "Yeah, what the heck. Couldn't hurt to do something nice." His enormous mouth burst into a grin as he took the drink from Yoto.

"Atta boy! Go be a hero!" Yoto smacked Seedos on the backpack and Seedos headed into the Post Office.

Once Seedos was safely out of sight, Yoto burst into an awfully evil-sounding snickering fit.

That drink was laced with Romance Candy. This was gonna be _good!_ Now to find a place to spy…

_VPVPVPVPVPVPVP_

"Oh, am I glad to see you!" Fannie gushed from her place on the desk. The desk and tiny areas of the floor were the only places in the whole post office that weren't completely covered in weeds.

"Not good meeting under these conditions…" Seedos sighed and carefully hopped around the thorns. He placed his drink and his backpack on the desk. He unzipped his backpack and placed all of his Shellybeans on the floor. "Hey, you guys, ready to eat?"

Judging by the immense look of excitement on the faces of the four mollusk piñatas, that was a great big 'yes!'

"Have at it!" Seedos laughed and the Shellybeans instantly began to devour the many, many weeds. Seedos hauled himself up onto the desk next to Fannie and watched his Shellybeans go to town.

"Wow, Seedos, you came here to save me…" Fannie scooched closer to the blue-haired boy.

"Weeds are cruel…" Seedos looked away from Fannie and picked up his drink. "Couldn't leave _anyone_ all alone with them." The straw disappeared into Seedos' enormous mask-mouth and he took a long drink from it.

"Or maybe…" Fannie crossed her legs and folded her arms in her lap. "…maybe you wanted to save me because…you like me?"

"WHAT? I-" Seedos whipped his head to face Fannie and a realization hit him like a ton of bricks.

He didn't remember her looking this pretty before! He didn't remember _any_ girl ever looking this pretty! That cute hairstyle…those big, blue eyes…that adorable outfit…WOW!

"I…I do, Fannie!" Seedos tossed his drink to the floor unceremoniously. "I'm just now realizing it, but I DO!"

"Oh, Seedos…" Fannie sighed and placed her hands on the sides of Seedos' mask. "I've admired you from afar…those purple eyes…they always got me…you're unique! I…I really don't think anyone in town likes us, we're a couple of freaks…" Fannie sniffled and looked away, a tear falling down the side of her mailbox-mask and leaving a silver-colored streak.

"We can be freaks together, Fannie…" Seedos said, his voice low and full of emotion.

"Oh, Seedos!" Fannie exclaimed as she pulled Seedos' mask off and threw it against a wall. "I want you to make a woman out of me!"

Seedos blinked his enormous eyes. "I thought you were already a woman!"

Fannie tittered so hard that she burst into a snorting fit. "No, silly…" Fannie scooched even closer and rested a hand against Seedos' bare cheek. "You have a cute face…just like I thought. I love your freckles…"

"What did you mean, Fannie?" Seedos repeated, his cheeks heating up.

"Let's make love, right here, right now!" Fannie grabbed Seedos by the front of his shirt. "No one will see us with all of these weeds blocking the windows!"

"But…but…my Shellybeans…and I don't…" Seedos shook his head around rapidly and looked at Fannie with determination. "You know what, Fannie? I never realized it until about a minute ago, but I love you so much, I don't even care!"

The two of them embraced, and in no time flat, almost all of their clothing was forsaken. One thing was left; Fannie's mask.

"Um…Fannie…" Seedos placed a hand onto Fannie's cheek. "Can I…see your face while we do this?"  
>"Seedos, I…" Fannie's eyes grew enormous. "I don't think…"<br>"Come on, I can see everything else of yours! I want to see your face!" Seedos demanded and grabbed onto either side of Fannie's mask.

"Seedos, NO-!"

But it was too late.

Fannie's mask came off…but there was nothing underneath. There was her neck, but there was nothing on top of it. A bunch of dark green, thick smoke came out of the hole where her head used to be attached.

"…_WHAT?"_ Seedos exclaimed and nearly dropped Fannie's mask-no, her _head!_

"A witch cursed me…" Fannie's head said, her eyes drooping with sadness. "In exchange for that beautiful body you see before you-" As if to make a point, Fannie's skinny, nude body posed seductively. "-I had to give up my face. Of course, I didn't know that until the spell was all done. I used to be obese and absolutely _hideous!"_ Fannie sobbed.

Seedos, not knowing what else to do, held the mailbox-head of Fannie close to his bare chest. Eeeeep, that was cold…

"Can you see beyond my…headlessness? Can you love a woman with a mailbox for a face?" Fannie's head asked, her high-pitched voice muffled by Seedos' chest.

Seedos, his blue brows knit with uncertainty, put Fannie's head down on the desk and gave her a very serious look.

"Come _on,_ Seedos…" Fannie's head hopped forward. "I promise…I give good head! Especially right now!"

Needless to say, Seedos ran out of the Post Office, screaming at the top of his lungs, exposing his goods to the world.

"Huh…" Maxime cocked a brow as Seedos in all of his nude glory ran right by her. "I expected that to be a _whole_ lot smaller."

_**(AN: I'm not sorry…yes I am.)**_


	27. Eddie and Eddie

**Eddie and Eddie**

Sometimes, Eddie couldn't get enough of himself.

Every time he would pass any sort of reflective surface, he'd have to shoot his reflection a grin. He loved the way his mouth curled, he loved the way the corners of his eyes crinkled up, he loved his perfectly white movie star teeth. The perfect curve of his jaw and his fantastic facial structure only made his smile all the more beautiful.

And his _hair!_ He spent an hour every morning to get it just the right style. His choppy haircut had to be _exactly_ the right blend between messy and neat. He looked like a responsible, working man, and he was! To boot, his hair was the most _amazing_ shade of purple. When Eddie was around twelve, he tried so many different hair colors before he finally settled on that wonderful violet. Eddie loved all sorts of colors, but he had a soft spot for purple. He even wore purple contacts so his hair combined with his eyes would be completely, utterly _striking._

He always dressed his best, as well. Especially when he was on the job, he'd wear suit jackets. During the warmer months, he would wear polo shirts and tight slacks that showed off his slender legs. No matter the weather, he'd always wear a colorful, patterned tie or bowtie, always tied just right and _never_ askew.

To make things even better, Eddie considered himself more than just a pretty face. He was _talented._ He could sing and dance, he was outgoing, he could paint and sew, and he could play quite a few instruments. The flute, the piano, the violin, and the guitar were all in his repertoire, and not many people knew it. Eddie dreamed of dazzling people one day by pulling out his guitar and bursting into a performance. Maybe he would impress a pretty girl…

Speaking of girls, Eddie was _always_ kind to them, no matter the circumstances. Admittedly, he saw the female gender as a beautiful thing that could rarely do wrong. He loved every lady in town and all of them loved him right back. Sure, Petula got on his nerves with her advances, but he couldn't help being flattered that someone was _that_ interested in him, even if she wasn't his type. Maybe he could set her up on a date with someone…

Eddie thought that was quite a generous idea. Ah, that's another thing that's great about him. He was _so_ generous. Every time he saw someone in need, he couldn't help reaching out to them. This seemed to annoy Seedos and Maxime to no end, especially when he would offer them financial aid. Eddie thought they were just too shy or felt like they were being a burden to accept his help. Eddie was a bit upset that no amount of convincing seemed to convince them otherwise.

Oh well, Eddie knew he was a catch. He just needed to wait for the right girl to come along and snap him up…

"Hey, Eddie?" Sparcticus, Eddie's close friend, intoned, breaking Eddie out of his cloud of thoughts about himself. "What are you thinking about? Your eyes are all glazed over…"

"Sparcticus," Eddie couldn't help chuckling. "Do you think it's possible for me to marry myself? I think I'd be a good match for me."

Sparcticus squinted at Eddie a bit. "Have I ever told you you're strange?"

"Several times," Eddie patted Sparcticus on the arm. "And c'mon, I'm just kidding!"

"Heh, well, in that case…" Sparcticus smiled down at his slightly shorter friend. "I think if you married yourself, you'd be making a lot of girls very upset…maybe some guys, too."

"You're right," Eddie burst into his million dollar smile. "I'll stay on the market for a little while longer."

"Eddie, you're _seventeen."_

"My parents got married at _eighteen!_ I don't want to die alone, Sparcticus!" Eddie protested, shaking his purple head vigorously, his grin quickly turning into a pout.

"…uh-huh…" Sparcticus folded his arms. "I'm going to say this again; Eddie, you're weird."

"I'm still a catch, buddy," Eddie's grin returned, full force. "Bet I won't be on the market for long!"


	28. Jardiniero and Patch

**Jardiniero and Patch**

_(okay what the everloving hell is this)_

Patch couldn't get the most illustrious, bountiful beard in town off his mind for weeks now.

Meanwhile, Jardiniero couldn't get Patch's long, strong, _working_ legs off of his mind.

Nothing ever happened between them.

They never made out, Patch never got to _taste_ Jardiniero's illustrious facial hair. They never made love, Jardiniero never got lifted up upon Patch's _working legs_ as the good doctor had his way with him.

Patch would just drop by, give Jardiniero his suppository, and leave.

It was impossible to not have sexual tension with someone who put something into your butt every day. Yet, nothing ever happened.

Patch created yet another cabinet dedicated to Jardiniero's beard and cried for a love that never could be.

**THE FUCKING END NOW GET OUT**

_(A.N. Finals are eating away at my brain. Can you tell?)_


	29. Dastardos and a Female Ruffian

**Dastardos and a Female Ruffian**

Dastardos had seen a whole manner of atrocities in his time.

But no desecrated piñata corpse or sour candy-induced transformation could compare to the awful, terrible thing that was staring at him right in the face.

A Ruffian.

The only "female" one.

She was shuffling her feet and had her enormous mouth shut for once, the striped lips of her mask curled into a smile. She was looking away from Dastardos and shoving a hand towards him, a plucked, wilting dandelion clenched in her fist.

"What the _hell_ is this for?" Dastardos wrinkled his nose. He _hated_ Ruffians. Their oddly proportioned bodies and their god-awful gibbering voices just gave him the creeps. Him, the creepiest person in town, was rubbed the wrong way by these little gremlins. How humiliating.

"You…" The Ruffian spluttered. "You…"

"Are you actually _talking?"_ Dastardos floated backwards quickly as if the Ruffian had just brandished a shovel.

"Learned…a bit…" The Ruffian finally cast the weed aside and smiled up at Dastardos, who had practically curled up into a ball in midair. "For…you…"

"_WHY?"_ Dastardos was surprised to hear his voice crack.

"Show…you…" The Ruffian waddled forward and grabbed onto Dastardos' scarves. She yanked the stunned reaper downward and there was a _clunk!_ as she pressed the lips of her mask against his. Dastardos floated there, his butt in the air and his eyes wide with utter disbelief for a few moments.

Until the Ruffian practically shoved her tongue down his throat.

Dastardos had pretty much lost his sense of taste, but the sour, bitter, _horrible_ taste of Ruffian saliva was too strong to be ignored. Spluttering and gagging, Dastardos shoved the Ruffian away as hard as he could. He stuck out his tongue and began to wipe it off with one of the ends of his scarf, which hissed in annoyance.

"What wrong?" The Ruffian blinked her eyes, her lower lip jutting out into a pout. She rocked back and forth and fiddled with one of her pigtails while Dastardos spat and gagged.

"I'm _not_ interested!" Dastardos shook his head rapidly. "No offense-actually, yeah, I mean offense. You are _not my type._"

The Ruffian looked as if she was about to be hit by an oncoming train.

"So…uh…yeah…" The Ruffian's look of devastation had no effect on the irritated Dastardos. "Scram before I make you."

"Someone else!" The Ruffian stomped over to the wall and punched an enormous hole in it.

"Whoa, what? What? What!" Dastardos held up his hands and backed up, despite the fact that the Ruffian couldn't hurt him even if she wanted to.

"Doctor…you love…Doctor…!" The Ruffian ground her teeth and screamed at the ceiling. It was an awful noise, Dastardos jammed his fingers in his ears and gritted his crooked teeth.

"No choice…must…kill…Doctor…!" The Ruffian gave Dastardos an immensely unnerving pointy-toothed grin. "Then…you…mine! All mine!"

"You know what?" Dastardos smiled and folded his arms. "You go ahead and do that."

"RAAAAAAAAAARGH!" The Ruffian hiked up her skirt and raced out the door.

_VPVPVPVPVPVPVPVP_

The girl Ruffian hadn't managed murder, but Doc Patch got accosted by her in the middle of the town square. She managed to give him nasty bruises and bites on his poor legs before Avalon subdued her with a shovel smack.

"Failed…Dastardos…" The Ruffian murmured as she fell unconscious. "My…only love…"

"…wot?" Avalon cocked a brow.

"Huh, she has good taste in men!" Patch admitted as he assessed the damage on his legs.

"WOT?" Avalon gave Patch a look of disbelief.

"Uh, I said…I think I dropped my pen…" Patch began to feign looking around like a crazy person.

"Sure yew did," Avalon picked up the Ruffian by one of her pigtails and made a face, as if she were a dirty diaper. "I'm going to deliver this girl to her 'only love.'" With a smirk, Avalon headed over to Dastardos' house, leaving Patch to tend to his own wounds.

_VPVPVPVPVPVPVPVP_

Dastardos couldn't _believe_ it. Not only did the Ruffian fail to kill Patch, he actually found her outside his house, passed out.

Her eyes fluttered open and a pained smile spread across her face as she gazed up at the man of her dreams.

"Did not…kill…can still…love me?" Her voice was barely a whisper.

"Nope, never," Dastardos grabbed the Ruffian by both of her pigtails, floated up to the top of Pester's Volcano, and tossed her in.

"DASTARDOOOOOOOOS!" The Ruffian yelled as she fell. "WILL LOVE YOU FIVE-EVER!"

"Too bad you don't have much time left…" Dastardos grinned sadistically as the female Ruffian disappeared in the boiling lava. Dastardos brushed his hands together and smirked as the Ruffian's charred mask floated for a moment before being completely reduced to ashes.

"You will not be missed," Dastardos turned in a swirl of scarves, wondering how long it would take for Pester to learn the news.


	30. Floros and Percy NSFW

**Floros and Percy**

_(AN: WHAT DID I JUST WRIIIIIIITE I'M SO SORRY PERCY DID THIS HIMSELF)_

Percy strutted through the forest with vigor, an air of confidence about him, as always. He had taken a walk to clear his mind after getting into a heated argument with Ursula Maracus about his fashion sense. Psh, what did _she_ know? The Tigermisu outfit looked _very_ becoming on him! He tugged on his spiked collar with pride as he took a turn in a direction he heard a waterfall.

There was a small but wide pond there with the waterfall flowing right into it. The water was beautiful and glimmered in the sunlight. The pond was flanked on either side by elusive gem trees, their "fruits" shining so brightly that Percy was nearly blinded. For some reason, there were some Shellybeans milling around, some with pieces of cloth in their mouths, but he paid them no mind.

"Wow," Percy exhaled. "Nature's all beautiful and shit. I guess that weirdo gardener family was right about that…" He huffed. "Not that I'd ever admit that to _any_ of their masks."

Percy started a bit when there was a loud _splash!_ Someone came up from the water and threw their head back, shaking their hair out with a bit of a laugh. That hair was bright blue and could only belong to one possible person…

It was Floros. Barefaced and naked, in a pond in the middle of the forest with no one else around. She had taken no notice of Percy, instead grinning a buck-toothed smile as one of her Shellybeans came up to the side of the pond and brushed against her hand.

Percy almost fell over. Floros' _face…_minus her buck teeth, she was pretty damn cute! She had enormous, innocent violet eyes, a cute little nose, and pale freckles spread across her cheeks. Percy's eyes were about to travel lower when Floros let out an ear-deafening shriek.

"WHAT ARE _YOU_ DOING HERE?" she squealed, choosing to cover her face rather than any other part of her body. "I'M TRYING TO TAKE A BATH!"

_Awesome,_ now Percy could look without her noticing…

"Just came to admire the view…" Percy purred as he headed over to the side of the pond. "Wound up getting a much _better_ view than I thought…" His eyes traveled downwards and settled on Floros' breasts. Hmm, she was pretty flat-chested, but not as much as Edith was, which was a surprise…Percy could work with that. He knew Floros was a pretty naïve girl…he began to formulate a plan inside his head. "You look _beautiful_ in this lighting, you know. I never thought any boy would get to see your face before, since you're so…" Percy bit his lip hard as he racked his brain for a word. "…out there, but they'd be missing out." Percy gave Floros a pat on her wet hair and she winced at his touch. "Do you mind if I join you? I need a bath, too."

"Ummm…" Floros sounded uncertain and peeked at Percy from between two skinny fingers. "Sure, if you want…" She sank under the water a bit, hiding all from her mouth up.

_Yessssss!_ Percy barely resisted doing a victory dance as he began to fling his clothes off. Last to go was his mask, which hit one of Floros' Shellybeans in the head. The poor little snail piñata gave a squeak of disapproval and glared at Percy. Percy paid it no mind and jumped into the pond, splashing the same Shellybean as he entered.

"You got Tawny all wet," Floros blurbled, rising up just high enough so her speech was semi-coherent.

"No biggie, Flo~" Percy flapped a dismissive hand at her. "You're all wet, I'm all wet, we're _all_ wet!" He waded over to Floros and lifted her up from the water, completely exposing her. He didn't know it was possible for a person to be so baffled, but Floros looked at Percy like he had a third leg. Her entire body was blushing, from her cheeks to her feet.

_Huh, the carpet matches the drapes…_ Percy placed Floros back down into the waist-deep water. _That's a little weird…_

"Percy, you're…" Floros blushed even deeper. "What the heck is poking me in the leg?"

"Oh, sorry," Percy feigned embarrassment. "I don't know if you know about it, but sometimes when boys and girls are…naked together, they'll do something _really_ fun."

"Really fun?" Floros cocked her head to the side.

"Oh, it's _so_ fun," Percy laughed and did his best to keep a mischievous glint from his eyes. "I bet you've never done it before. I could show you how!" He moved closer and took the smaller girl into his arms. "I _promise_ you'll have a good time." He grinned right into her eyes and she took in his uncovered face. He was…handsome, she supposed. She wouldn't mind doing this-whatever this was-with someone like him.

"Okay," Floros breathed. "Go for it."

Mere moments after she said that, she sucked in a gasp. She felt something slide up inside her and pain shot through her abdomen. She cried out and clung to Percy, who couldn't help letting a grin of sheer satisfaction cross his face. He leaned over to suck on her neck and tears streamed down the poor girl's face as the pain came back again and again, although a bit duller each time.

"Don't be afraid…" Percy whispered with his lips against Floros' neck, his voice husky. "The pain will go away. That's when the fun begins."

Sure enough, the waves of pain were eventually replaced with waves of pleasure. Floros had absolutely no idea what sort of…magic Percy was using on her, but she clung to him in the water, her hips moving against his. After a while, she felt what could only be described as a small explosion that sent shivers throughout her whole body. Percy sighed in satisfaction and pulled himself out of Floros.

Floros draped herself onto the shore, breathing heavily. "Wow, Percy, that _was_ fun!" She smiled weakly. "Strenuous, but fun. What's that called?"

Percy gave her a pat on her bottom, his tone low and serious. "I think it's better that you don't know, Floros, and don't go telling people that we did this." He looked around shiftily. "This is supposed to be a…secret thing! You can keep secrets, right?"

"Sure can," Floros flashed him the "okay" sign with her left hand. "I'm gonna go back to town…thanks for…whatever that was…" Floros began to gather up her clothes from her rather baffled-looking Shellybeans.

"Oh, no, no, no, Floros," Percy smirked and leaned against the shore. "Thank _you."_

_Two Months Later…_

"I don't _get it,_ Patrice! I'm sick _all the time,_ my chest hurts…" Floros poked one of her meager breasts. "I keep having _really bad_ mood swings…I feel just _awful!"_ Floros sobbed into her hands. "Do you know what's wrong with me? What do the tests say?" She sounded almost demanding, flipping up her curly blue head to give Patrice an expectant look.

"I-I duh-don't know how this is possible, Floros, but…um…er…well…" Patrice chewed on her index finger. "You're, well, um…you're going to have a baby."

"A BABY?" Floros gaped at her stomach. "But…why? How? I don't even know…"

"You _what?"_ Patrice shrieked. "Were you…violated without consent? Sweetie, you should tell the puh-police! This is _awful!"_

"What's 'violated?' I'm SO confused!" Floros sniffled again and wiped her eyes on the bottom of her shirt.

"Did you…well…" Patrice fiddled with her hands. "Were you…_with_ a man?"

"With? Like…" Floros tapped her fingers against her chin. "Like…did something…fun with them?" Floros bit her lip. "A few months ago, Percy and I…did something, and he told me not to tell anyone about it. He didn't even tell me what it was called!"

Patrice gaped at Floros so hard that her jaw nearly dislocated.

"I-is that it? Is that why…" Floros patted her stomach, her eyes filling with tears.

"Yes, Floros, that _is_ why," Patrice sat next to Floros on the exam table, pulling the smaller girl into a warm hug. "Percy deceived you. Just when I thought he couldn't get any worse…" Patrice gave Floros a wan smile. "You have some options about this, Floros. Don't worry; I'll make sure that you'll be okay."

Floros sobbed again and buried her face in Patrice's ample chest. Patrice sighed and stroked the girl's curly blue hair.

She was worried, sure, but she still was more than a bit shocked that Floros managed to lose her virginity before she did.

_VPVPVPVPVPVPVP_

Word spread quickly in the Village, and soon everyone knew _exactly_ what happened between Floros and Percy.

Percy's best friend, Freddie, had stopped speaking to him. Edith had stomped up to him in the street and slapped him across the face. Jardiniera kept "accidentally" rolling over Percy's toes in her wheelchair. Even Dedos had the guts to give Percy a _hard_ punch in the stomach when he heard the news. Percy got several threats from Hearos, who was too busy to act upon them, but he knew he would eventually.

Percy lied awake in his bed in the wee hours of the night, dark circles under his eyes and shaking. He couldn't believe that everything had crumbled around him like this. He just wanted to have sex with a cute girl, was that such a crime?

Percy closed his eyes momentarily, hoping in vain to get some sleep. Suddenly, the room became very, _very_ cold. Percy shivered and opened his eyes, letting out an enormous gasp.

Vilos was floating over his bed, glaring so hard that Percy felt shivers all over his body. He was too frightened to run or speak.

"So…" the villainess said, reaching into her ample amounts of hair and pulling something out. "You like to go around knocking up naïve young women?"

"I-it was only that one time…" Percy's voice was super high pitched, as if someone was squeezing his testicles.

"Well," Vilos' voice was filled with revulsion as she opened the weapon in her hand. The moonlight reflecting off the blades showed Percy that it was a _very_ large pair of scissors. "I think once was _more than enough._ You won't be doing that _EVER. AGAIN."_ Vilos grinned sadistically as she pulled the covers off of Percy and pinned him down.

Percy's screams could be heard throughout the whole entire Village.


	31. Pester and Petula

**Pester and Petula**

"Damn it, Dastardos, what does a man have to do to get a bride?" Professor Pester stomped his foot angrily as he stormed around his lair in an angry bout of pacing. "I NEED an heir!"

"If that's your problem, why don't you just try getting a girl pregnant?" Dastardos cocked a brow at his raving boss.

"You think I haven't _tried?_ I've tried and tried and TRIED! But so far I've only managed to get Doc Patchingo pregnant!" Professor Pester slammed his head against the metal wall twice and dizzily backed up from it, a large crack on the forehead of his mask.

"You did WHAT?" Dastardos' jaw flew to the floor. Professor Pester chose not to elaborate on that incident and instead sat his fat butt down on his enormous swivel chair. He began typing at top speed on his keyboard, his hideously bloated green tongue poking out of his mask's lips.

"Let's see…" Pester pressed a button and the view from one camera filled the screen. It was an image of Leafos in a bathtub filled with bubbles, shaving her legs slowly and carefully. Dastardos shrieked and covered his eyes.

"I've tried Leafos _hundreds_ of times, but no matter what I do, she won't love me!" Pester slammed a fist into the keyboard. "She's absolutely the most _delectable_ out of all of the women in town, if only because of her resemblance to your mother!"

"My mom is _dead,_ are you still attracted to her bloated, waterlogged corpse, because that would be gross," Dastardos kept his eyes covered and Pester spat at him.

"Of _course_ she's not dead; she probably found a beau somewhere on a far off island!" Pester folded his arms and spun his chair around angrily. Not sure how he managed to spin a chair angrily, but he's freaking Pester, so there you go. "If only we could have eloped…the plan was to kill your father and marry your mother, you know! And I made sure to rid her of her little shit of a son!" Pester grinned at Dastardos and the reaper clenched his fists, planted his feet on the ground, strolled over to Pester, and gave him an enormous punch in the crotch.

Pester yelped and attempted to smash his foot into Dastardos' crotch, but, of course, that didn't do too much. Pester swallowed a sob and turned back to his monitor. "I'll just…pretend you didn't do that and go on with my rant!" Professor Pester choked, attempting to ignore the massive, throbbing pain in his testicles.

"I'd rather be beaten with a shovel while bathing in Fannie's period blood," Dastardos said flatly, crossing his arms and beginning to float tailor style in the air.

Professor Pester ignored his minion and clicked over to another camera. This time it was the very person Dastardos had just mentioned, and she was sitting on the toilet and reading a magazine.

Dastardos shrieked, covered his eyes, and began retching. A horrid, black and green substance poured from his mouth and he gazed at it in sheer shock.

"Pester, I…I threw up…" Dastardos' good eye was fixed on the swirl on the floor.

Pester continued to ignore Dastardos and began ranting. "Fannie's a complete bust; I don't want to spend my life with a Horstachio/mailbox hybrid!"

"Pester, I just threw up…" Dastardos sounded woozy. "I didn't even think I could _do_ that, I mean…I haven't eaten in ten years-PLEASE change the camera!"

Pester groaned and did as Dastardos said. "RUFFIAN-I don't care which one, any one of you!" he yelled and the female one instantly zipped into the room. "Clean that up!" Pester pointed to the vomit on the metal floor and the Ruffian promptly saluted.

Dastardos floated out of the room and returned with his mask off and a cold washcloth on his forehead. "Ugh…"

Pester was flipping through every girl in town, growing increasingly pissed with each one he passed.

"Wait…" Dastardos gave the screen an odd look. "You tried courting _Lottie?"_

"Desperate times call for desperate measures," Pester nodded sagely. "But I realized that her womb is probably a dark, cold, sterile place nowadays."

"I'm going to puke again," Dastardos leaned against the wall.

Pester clicked over to the final camera. "AH…I'd forgotten about this one…"

"Who-oh…" Dastardos raised his head and his eyes widened a bit.

The camera showed Petula, napping at the counter in her store in full HD. A bit of drool was seeping out of her perfectly shaped mouth and she was mumbling something that sounded like "Oh, Eddie…strip me more…"

"If I remember correctly…" Professor Pester brought up his calendar on the corner of the TV screen. He clicked onto the current month, which had a date highlighted. He lit up like a Pretztail on fire when he clicked onto that date.

"February 28th! That's in a _week!"_ Pester bounced like a Robean on speed and whirled the chair to face Dastardos. He was barely affected by his minion's lack of mask and he grinned a sharklike grin at his underling. "That, my darling detestable Dastardos, is when Miss Petula here becomes _legal!"_

Dastardos blanched white. "You mean…you're going for _her?"_

"In a week, yes!" Pester rubbed his hands together and licked his lips. "She's not even close to your mother in terms of looks _or_ personality, but she has good genes! And a butt that won't quit…"

"I hate to break it to you, Pester…" Dastardos cocked a grey brow at his boss. "…but Petula only goes for rich guys."

"Dastardos, Dastardos, Dastardos…" Pester tsk-tsk'd and shook his head. "I thought I raised you to be _smart!_ Do you have _any_ idea how many Chocolate Coins I steal from the coffers of gardens, shops, and Piñata Central every single week? A LOT. And if Petula learned that…"

"…she'd be on you like Seedos on a gem tree…" Dastardos frowned. "So, wait, I have to tolerate _her_ for the rest of my life?"

"Yes indeed you do!" Professor Pester threw his head back and laughed. "Prepare yourself, Dastardos! I strike in a week!"

_VPVPVPVPVPVPVPVP_

All Pester had to do was flash his bank statement, and Petula was on him faster than you could say "KA-CHING!"

"So…how much money did you say you make in the evil business?" Petula placed a hand on Pester's exposed chest and gave him a catlike smile.

"More than you can imagine," Pester purred, stroking Petula's hair. "It varies from week to week, but the value is ALWAYS indescribably, impeccably high!"

Pester stepped out of Petula's embrace and dropped down to one knee. He pulled out a ring box and opened it, revealing a ring with a large gem with red and black colors swirling around in it. Petula gasped, tears filled her eyes, and she covered her mouth to suppress a squeal.

"My fortune is yours if you'll be my bride," Pester said in a super kawaii anime bishi way, rose petals floating on a breeze through the window and conveniently around Pester's mask. "I know we just met, but please, consi-"

"Hell yes I'll marry you!" Petula pulled off one of her gloves and slipped the ring on her finger. "You don't have to ask me twice!"

"Really?" Professor Pester was apparently dumbfounded that anyone would think of marrying him.

"Yes, really, big guy!" Petula bent down and planted a kiss on the lips of Pester's mask.

Pester was taken aback for a moment, but he returned the kiss shortly after.

Eddie walked into the store at that precise moment, took in the scene before him, and instantly turned around and walked out.

_VPVPVPVPVPVPVPVP_

Petula and Pester eloped not long after. Petula's parents never came back from their vacation, so they had no idea of their daughter's absence. As a result, their shop went to Hell and became desolate and forgotten.

Petula didn't give a single damn, though. She turned out to be a perfect match for Pester, a veritable villainess, and remarkably fertile. She and Pester produced three sons. Dastardos was forced to babysit them as they grew up, and when the time came for Pester to give his villain crown away, the three brothers fought valiantly for it.

One killed his other two brothers in one fell swoop and proudly took over for his father. He managed to conquer the Island and a few surrounding territories. Petula and Pester were so proud, they shed tears.

Professor Pester finally got the happy ending he felt he deserved.

Dastardos, on the other hand, spent the rest of his immortal existence with an enormous migraine.


	32. Dastardos and Vilos NSFW

**Dastardos and Vilos**

Vilos sighed as she absent-mindedly braided her hair. She knew this day would come.

Arthur had found another woman. A _normal_ woman. A redhead who wore frilly dresses and wrote poetry. A picture-perfect girl with the allure of mysterious beauty. Yin, the tinker's niece.

Vilos wasn't going to cry. As soon as she and Arthur had gotten together, he was always worried about his reputation. After a while, his visits trickled into poking his head in once a week. They had tried to make love once and Vilos didn't feel a single thing. Arthur's visits became less and less frequent after that…

Vilos thumped her head against the arm of her couch. She shouldn't wallow in misery like this. She always considered herself to be married to her job. Men were _way_ too much trouble.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a green light filled the room. Vilos let a small smile cross her face despite the slight ache in her heart. She knew that light anywhere.

That meant that Dastardos was visiting.

Every so often, her male counterpart would come to visit her. He must have somehow picked up on her stress…it was ridiculous how in tune they were with each other.

Vilos chuckled to herself. Well, it was only natural. Who better to understand her than…herself?

Once the light finally faded away, Dastardos revealed himself. "What's up? I could feel your heart twisting a whole universe away," he folded his arms and gave Vilos that stupid half-smile that she hated so much. She couldn't believe how…unbecoming her male counterpart's mask was. Oh well; at least he looked sinister, unlike someone else she knew.

"No big deal…" Vilos sighed as she straightened herself up. "Arthur dumped me."

Dastardos' eyes got really, really big. "Really!?" He flew next to her on the couch. "Even after all that stuff he said?! Wow, what a douchebag! I knew he was one the second I laid eyes on him!" Dastardos slammed a fist into his palm.

"Don't make a big deal out of it," Vilos flapped her skeletal hand at him. "He's just a man. Could barely feel him whenever we touched. He's a nobleman; he doesn't need a witch doctor holding him down. He needs a stable wife who can have tons of children." Vilos snorted and added: "Could you see me in a wedding dress? Could you see me with a _baby?"_

Dastardos burst into laughter at the thought. "Nope! Not in a million years!"

Vilos smiled at Dastardos. "I thought you'd do that. You're…something else, you know that, right?" Vilos scooted closer to him. "You never fail to lift me from even the shittiest of moods. Thanks…" Vilos rested a hand on Dastardos' shoulder.

Dastardos suddenly fell very, very silent.

"What's wrong?" Vilos asked, tilting her head to the side, her long hair flowing through the air with the motion. "You look like you just saw a shovel."

"No, it's just…" Dastardos placed his hand over hers. "It's weird. Whenever I touch you, you feel _warm._ Everyone else I touch just feels…numb and cold. Like they're barely there."

"You're right!" Vilos seemed to perk up at the realization. Much to Dastardos' surprise, she pulled him into a tight embrace.

"Wow…" she whispered. "I…I had forgotten what it felt like to hug someone else and actually feel…_all _of them, you know?"

"Same here…" Dastardos couldn't believe what he was doing.

He felt like a complete narcissist, which was a feeling he thought he'd _never_ have. His heartbeat was quickening from Vilos' closeness, her warmth, even her scent, as musky as it was. She was absolutely beautiful…

_No, no, NO!_ Dastardos shook his head at top speed to get rid of those bad, _bad_ thoughts. He _couldn't_ have feelings for Vilos. She was…she was _him!_ Having feelings for her was like having feelings for his _twin sister,_ for cripes' sake!

…nope. That thought didn't make the feeling go away. Oh well, he was a villain. If he wanted to be twisted, he could be twisted!

"Dastardos…" Vilos suddenly muttered. She kept her hands on his shoulders as she moved back to meet his eyes. "I don't care what you fucking say; I am going to kiss you. I need to find out what a proper kiss feels like."

"You don't have to ask me twice!" Dastardos practically pounced on her. The mood had changed from sullen to exciting. Dastardos was more than a little curious too; man, a girl he could touch properly? Why the hell did he waste his first interactions with her with smacks, slaps, and hair pulls? There was a whole world of opportunity here, full of things that Dastardos thought was out of his reach. He was going to grab this Flapyak by the horns!

Vilos took off Dastardos' mask and tossed it unceremoniously aside. She took in a deep breath and smiled up at him. "You know…you're a whole lot less ugly than I thought you would be," she smirked as she removed her own mask.

"Same to-" Dastardos' comeback was cut off by Vilos crashing her lips against his.

Dear God, Dastardos had no idea how long they kissed for. It seemed like ages. He never understood how people could kiss and get bored with it, but now…he understood _everything._ Vilos' mouth was hot and she was far too eager with the kiss, which didn't bother Dastardos one bit. This made him feel more alive than he ever did in his whole undeath.

In their throes of passion, Dastardos found himself unzipping Vilos' jeans. It was a completely subconscious move; something he wouldn't dare to do any other day. Vilos wasn't a girl that you get fresh with, but with her kissing him like this…Dastardos felt like he could do _anything._

Dastardos came up from the kiss and smirked down at Vilos. "I feel like I'm the one having all the fun here; sit up."

Vilos didn't question him for once and as soon as she did, Dastardos embraced her from behind and slipped one bony hand down the front of her pants.

Vilos let out a gasp and her head snapped towards Dastardos, an incredulous look on her face. Dastardos bristled and waited for her to slap him.

"Keep going…" she murmured, her voice low.

Dastardos didn't expect to hear that, but he wasn't complaining. He moved his hand lower and began caressing Vilos in a place he never expected to see, let alone touch, during his eternal lifetime.

Vilos gasped again and leaned heavily into Dastardos, biting her lip. This was _very_ different than when Arthur had taken her in his arms. His intimate acts gave her next to nothing, but _this…_

Dastardos, on the other hand, was secretly worried. Was he doing this right? Was there a correct way to touch a woman? Would he regret this? Man, he couldn't even talk about this to anyone…everything would be back to normal tomorrow, he'd be back to reaping piñatas, and every gardener he saw would be completely unaware of his selfcestuous experience. Despite his reservations, he kept at what he was doing.

Vilos was trying her best to suppress her moaning, digging her fingernails into the couch. Dastardos' thin fingers might have been completely inexperienced, but they were certainly getting the job done.

Suddenly, Dastardos felt Vilos tense up, shake, and then suddenly relax. She let out a long, euphoric sigh.

"That was…" Despite the darkness, Dastardos could see that Vilos' bare face was blushing. "…I don't even know what to say after that. Thank you?"

"Thank you…works…" Dastardos withdrew his hand from Vilos' pants, averting his eyes. He felt _incredibly_ awkward. Wow. That was unexpected.

Vilos sighed one last time and smoothed her messed up hair. "Thanks for the spontaneous sexual experience, but…" Vilos suddenly flew right up into Dastardos' face. "If you breathe a word of this to _anyone,_ I'll chop you up into so many pieces your own Macaraccoon won't recognize you!" she hissed.

Dastardos grinned at her. "_There's_ the Vilos I know. Don't worry, I won't say a word." He mimed zipping his lips. "You better not either!"

"Please, I don't like to run around advertising my sex life, even though I'd love to rub this in that stupid Arthur's face…" Vilos sniggered.

"Well, uh, I better get going!" Dastardos flew towards his discarded mask and grabbed it.

"Hold on!" Vilos floated out of the chair and wrapped her skeletal arms around her counterpart. She gave him one last, lingering kiss.

"If you ever want to experiment again…" Vilos smirked at him, mere inches away from Dastardos' uncovered face. "…you know where to find me."


	33. Seedos and Patch

**Seedos and Patch**

Doc Patchingo was making his usual rounds, healing up a sick Pretztail in a garden while the gardener was out. He couldn't quite remember her name…did it start with an S? Oh well; he'd find out when he checked his payment record that evening.

He fed the Pretztail some medicine and its colors slowly began to brighten up to the usual red-orange. Patch wiped the sweat from his brow and decided to take a little rest under a nearby oak tree. He didn't have any calls to attend to and the gardener said she wouldn't be around for a while…what harm could it do?

Patch, being the klutz that he is, tripped on his way to the tree and smacked right into the bark. He staggered backwards and was suddenly hit in the chest with an alarmingly heavy load.

"UMPH!"

Patch and his accidental assailant fell into a heap on the grass, Patch banging his head on the tree and whoever fell out of it banging their head on a nearby piece of pavement. _Hard._

There was a loud cracking sound followed quickly by a shriek. Patch knew that shriek…

"Urgh…" Patch shook his head around, his monkey mask becoming even more lopsided with the motion. "Seedos…?"

"My mask! Aaah…" Seedos skittered off of Patch's back and began scrambling to get the broken pieces together in vain. Miraculously, while the rest of his mask broke apart and fell away, his glasses managed to only get a tiny crack in one lens.

"Are you okay…?" Patch shuffled around to a sitting position and did his best to get back his bearings, straightening his monkey mask and trying to blink away his dizziness. "Whuh-what were you duh-doing in that tree?"

Seedos stiffened and he felt his face grow hot. "Nothing. I just…wanted to be in a tree! You know me! Weird guy, does weird stuff! Hahahaha, trees!" Seedos waved Patch off with a handful of mask parts.

Patch puffed out his cheeks. "Seedos, I can tell you're luh-lying. I'm nuh-not stupid."

Seedos said nothing and pretended to be absorbed in getting his bits of mask back together.

"Luh-let me help you…" Patch moved to give Seedos a hand and Seedos nearly jumped a mile in the air.

"NO!" Seedos smacked Patch's oncoming hand away and tripled his mask-picking-up speed. "I don't need _your_ help."

Patch, mildly offended, leaned back with a huge frown on his face. He watched as Seedos tried desperately to keep his face covered and pick up tons of splintered off mask pieces at the same time. He kept on dropping huge chunks of it and groaning with annoyance, but that barely deterred him.

"Oh, I get it…" Patch suddenly had an epiphany after a few minutes of watching this pathetic scene. "Yuh-you don't want me to see your fuh-face!"

Seedos, without thinking, dramatically turned his head to look at Patch. His face was blazing bright red and he was wearing the most comical look of terror Patch had ever seen. Once he realized what he had just done, he made a noise like a Moozipan giving birth and flipped his head back in the opposite direction.

"I've seen your face before, Suh-Seedos, you know that!" Patch mused. "You always come into my cuh-cuh-clinic so I can treat your head injuries…"

"This is _different!"_ Seedos shook his head rapidly. "I've been feeling _really_ weird lately, Patch. I don't know if you noticed, but I haven't been checking into the clinic lately. You make me feel really, _really_ weird and I don't like it!" Seedos smacked himself in the forehead with a huge piece of his mask. Ugh, what would Dastardos say if he heard about this? He'd de-brotherize Seedos faster than you could say "GROSS!"

Patch wasn't sure whether to console Seedos or run for the hills. Sighing, he decided to do the former. He crawled forward and placed a hand on Seedos' shoulder. He felt Seedos tense up at his touch, but he did his best to ignore that.

"Guh-growing up is tough…" Patch spluttered, making the understatement of the century. "Yuh-you're going to feel confused a luh-luh-_lot._ It's beh-best to just ruh-ruh-roll with the punches and it'll be over before you know it…how old are yuh-you again?"

"Sixteen…" Seedos gave Patch the slightest of glances over his shoulder. "Why?"

"Ah, yuh-you're a late bloomer…" Patch chuckled, withdrawing his hand. "I was too. Duh-don't worry; all of this confusion will duh-disappear before you turn twenty."

"I'll take your word for it…" Seedos finally picked up all of his mask pieces and rose to his feet. "Thanks, Patch. You're a pretty cool guy." He admitted, his back still to the doctor. Patch couldn't see it, but Seedos' cheeks were rosy.

Without saying goodbye, Seedos took off towards his house. Once the door was shut behind him, he dropped his bits of mask, slipped to the ground, and touched the shoulder that Patch was touching mere minutes before.

"Wow…" Seedos said, his voice practically glowing. "…I really need to get some mental help." Seedos fished in his backpack for his Alert System. "…or at least pay my brother to smack me in the head until these thoughts go away. Same thing, really!"


	34. Leafos and Petula

**Leafos and Petula**

It was after hours at Paper Pets, and Petula was alone. She had decided to stick around the store tonight, not feeling tired at all, absent-mindedly straightening shelves of hats and masks.

She was so caught up in admiring a shiny crown accessory she had forgotten was in stock that she didn't even hear the door's bell jingle, signaling the arrival of someone.

"Excuse me…" a familiar Irish accent lilted, the voice small and not full of its usual confidence.

Petula whipped around to see Leafos standing there, clutching a large book in her slender arms, her lips drawn up into a pale smile.

Petula heaved a sigh. "Leafos, if you're here to royally _bore_ me with more of your second rate gossip, you can leave. We're closed anyway." Petula waved Leafos off like she was an annoying Taffly, and Leafos' smile became a sad frown.

"Petula, you really have changed…" Leafos sighed, tightening her grip on the book she was holding. "I didn't come here to bother you…I just…thought you might want to see this…"

"See what?" Petula raised an eyebrow at the tome Leafos was holding. "That dusty old thing? Isn't that the Journal? Leafos, I don't know shit about gardening. I'm good." With that, Petula turned around and began to walk briskly towards the back room of the store.

"Wait!" Leafos sprinted after Petula desperately, shifting the book under one arm so she could reach out and grab Petula by the wrist. "It's-it's not the Journal! Can you just sit down and look?"

Petula heaved a sigh. "…fine, okay, it beats organizing the shelves and being all bored. Lemme go get some cushions…" Petula pulled her wrist from Leafos' grip and headed into the back room.

Leafos silently pumped a fist in victory, a grin crossing her face as she waited for Petula.

"Okay, let's see what you've got…" Petula drawled as she came out of the back room with two worn cushions, one puffy and pink, the other a gold-patterned lilac.

Petula plonked the cushion down on the floor and took the puffy pink one for herself. Leafos sat down on the other one, placing the book down between them. On the front of the book was a scribbled down title, _Memories._

"Is this, like…" Petula ran a hand over the dusty book curiously. "…a photo album? Why are you showing me this?"

Leafos blew a rebellious lock of her hair out of her eyes. "Can't you be patient, Petula? You'll see…"

Leafos opened up the album, flipping through the pages quickly. Petula barely got a glimpse of the photos as they flew by, but she saw several of Leafos and her siblings as youngsters, and a few very flattering shots of Leafos' hot older brother that had disappeared ten years ago. There were also several shots of piñatas, really cute ones, some with the family posing around them with huge smiles on their faces.

"Here!" Leafos exclaimed, suddenly stopping her page flipping.

"Oh my God…" Petula breathed, taking in the pages in front of her.

All of the photos were faded, but in full color. They were all photos of a very frilly young Petula and a young Leafos together, laughing, looking like they were having the time of their lives. One was a photo that made Petula's heart leap; her holding a bright pink baby Kittyfloss with Leafos talking enthusiastically about it.

"I forgot all about this…" Petula's voice suddenly became very small, and she drew her knees up to her chest. "Your family…you're the ones who gave me Angie…my favorite Kittyfloss…!"

"I still remember your face when you laid eyes on her," Leafos giggled nervously. "Your eyes lit up and you swooped her right up, hugging her. Tight, but not too tight, the perfect hug…" Leafos sighed. "She nuzzled your face, and I knew, I had to let you adopt that little Kittyfloss. It took _forever_ to convince my dad, you know, he wanted to sell it for a hefty price, but I whittled him away night after night until he finally said yes." Leafos got a faraway look in her blue eyes. "You squealed so loudly when I came to your house and told you that you could come adopt that Kittyfloss that you loved so much…and you still take great care of her today!" Leafos' voice sounded heavy and she absent-mindedly brushed at her eyes with a gloved finger.

"No way, Leafos…" Petula wasn't sure whether to be amused or confused. "Are you _crying?_ Why are you crying?"

"I miss when we were friends, Petula…" Leafos confessed, hanging her head, her dark pigtails tumbling over her shoulders. "I always got excited when you would come visit the garden…hell, I can't even remember what started this petty squabble in the first place!" Leafos threw up her hands in resignation.

"I do…" Petula snickered. "We both had crushes on Eddie Lizard when we turned twelve. Our stupid crush blinded us and we started spreading nasty rumors about each other so we could 'eliminate the competition.'" Petula emphasized the last three words with air quotes. "It was dumb…you know what, Leafos? You're right. You're totally right. I'm sorry that I've been a bitch these past few years." Petula reached over and lifted Leafos' tear soaked chin so their eyes met. "I miss being friends too. We had so much fun together…"

"There's…there's one problem, Petula…" Leafos admitted, averting her eyes from the girl who had been her rival up until a few seconds ago. "I don't _want_ to be friends."

"What the _heck?!"_ Petula's hands flew away from Leafos' face and she glared daggers at her. "Why the hell did you even _come_ here, then?! This whole visit was pointless, thanks for-MMMPH!"

Leafos wasn't normally pushy, but there was no shutting up Petula once she got going. Leafos turned her head to the side and pressed her lips against Petula's perfect heart-shaped ones. Petula became stiff with shock, her eyes open so wide they seemed ready to pop out and go rolling off into the corner, but she didn't push Leafos away.

Leafos broke the kiss with a tiny smacking noise. "Sorry, I should have asked…I'll be going…" Leafos moved to stand up, but Petula lunged forward, knocking Leafos onto her back a bit too roughly, kissing her with passion that had been festering inside of her for years.

"Leafos…" Petula panted when she broke the kiss. "I thought I was imagining things…all of these years I felt something smoldering between us, but I thought it was hatred…" Chuckling, she gazed seductively into Leafos' eyes. "I guess I was wrong…so, I'm willing to give this a shot if you are…"

"Petula…" Leafos' voice was strained and her face contorted with pain. She lifted her head up and rubbed the back of it. "I'm happy and all, but I hit my head hard on the floor when you tackled me…can you get me some ice? We can talk about our budding relationship then, okay?" Leafos gave Petula a pale smile and Petula's hands flew to her mouth.

"Oh, God, I'm sorry! I'll do that right away!" Petula flew in the back room, returning with ice a few moments later.

The two moved on to have a very happy relationship, even though they fought sometimes, they always managed to kiss and make up. Despite Bear rigorously questioning their private life and Jardiniero having a mild stroke when he learned his daughter was in a lesbian affair, everyone seemed to accept the two of them as a couple. Petula and Leafos were glad they finally buried the hatchet, finding something beautiful between them amidst all of the animosity.


	35. Gretchen and Jeffe

**Gretchen and Jeffe**

_Ah, there's nothing like a nighttime hunt…_

The tall, gorgeous huntress smirked to herself as she walked through the jungle in the dark. Her mask had built-in night vision that she could turn on with a flick of a switch, and the colors of her skintight hunting gear made her blend in perfectly with the jungle's scenery. She was going to check on a net trap that she had set up earlier in the day, deep in the heart of the jungle. She had baited the trap with the finest vegetables she could find, hoping to net herself a Bunnycomb. It wasn't exactly a high level piñata, but she was excited to catch one nonetheless. It was a birthday gift for Babochka, ordered by her parents. They were hoping to get her out of her Flutterscotch phase by showing her other piñatas had their merits, too, and a cute little Bunnycomb was a good place to start.

"That net should be around here somewhere…" Gretchen said under her breath, carefully stepping so she didn't accidentally stomp on any insect piñatas.

She saw the net's silhouette in the distance, and it had something in it! Gretchen felt excitement well up inside her, but she moved slowly and steadily towards the net so she wouldn't spook the piñata that was trapped in it. As she got closer, she saw that the piñata inside was lumpy and strangely shaped, nothing like a Bunnycomb at all… nor any other species she knew.

"Did I discover a new type of piñata…?" The very idea of that was almost enough to make Gretchen jump for joy. _Almost_ enough. She didn't have time for such frivolous displays of excitement. She wasn't a kid like Leafos. But still… if she discovered a new type of piñata, she could name it and get quite a bit of money for her discovery…!

Gretchen picked up her pace just a little bit.

She felt her heart drop into her stomach once she saw what was in the net.

It wasn't a new type of piñata at all, rather, it was a tiny man turned piñata named Jeffe. He was nibbling on a stalk of celery and burst into a huge smile when he saw Gretchen approaching.

"Hey, baby, what brings you here on a night like this?" Jeffe reclined in the net in what he probably thought was a sexy manner.

"What are you doing in my net?" Gretchen's voice was simmering with anger. She couldn't believe she let herself get excited over nothing.

"I couldn't resist the spread you put out for me!" Jeffe rolled around in the vegetables, a look of utter delight on his papery face. "I knew this was one of your nets, so I let myself get caught! I thought this was a present for me, no piñata loves vegetables more than I do!" Jeffe gave Gretchen a lewd wink.

"It wasn't a present for you, idiot!" Gretchen pulled a string and Jeffe came tumbling to the ground, the net opening and spilling the vegetables everywhere. "I was trying to catch a Bunnycomb for little Babochka! You might have just ruined a little girl's birthday if I can't track one down by tomorrow. I hope you're happy, _Jeffe."_

"Aww, babe, don't be like that!" Jeffe jumped up and hooked himself onto one of Gretchen's muscular legs. "Come on; get to know me a little better! I think I'm just your type…" When Jeffe started grinding himself against Gretchen's leg, she had enough. She pulled him off of her leg, bringing him up to her eye level and smirking at him.

"Oh, I like that look…" Jeffe's eyes narrowed and he smiled like a doof at Gretchen. "So you _are_ willing to give me a chance?"

"Au contraire, little man," Gretchen shook her head, her dark ponytail flipping around with the motion. "I actually received a… unique order about a month back. I ignored it for your safety, but after what happened tonight, well… let's just say I'm considering filling that order."

"Whuh-what was the order?" Jeffe was getting a little nervous, his glassy eyes flicking around and his paper paling just a little bit.

"Dastardos wanted me to try and capture you," Gretchen shrugged. "He said he _really_ needed to try and fix you… I think you could benefit from an attitude adjustment." Tucking Jeffe under her arm, Gretchen turned around and began heading in the direction of Dastardos' dead tree.

"No, Gretchen, no! He'll _kill_ me! He thinks I'm _sick!"_ Jeffe whined, squirming to try to get out from under Gretchen's arm. His struggles were in vain, though, he wasn't going anywhere anytime soon.

"Oh, you _are_ sick," Gretchen snapped, glaring down at the little piñata man. "You'll never ruin another trap or hit on another woman again. The world is better off."

Jeffe's sobs echoed through the night as Gretchen took him to meet his fate.


End file.
